EXCERPT FROM THE
UNFINISHED SCREENPLAY
YOU'RE A JAILBIRD,
CHARLIE BROWN.
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INT. BOY'S BEDROOM—NIGHT
(Shadows dance across the room as CHARLIE BROWN, 8, sleeps comfortably in his bed. The door creaks open and a small figure, SALLY BROWN, 6, enters, moves toward her sleeping brother, and prods him awake.)
SALLY: (Frightened.) Big brother ... big brother, wake up. Oh, please, big brother, wake up.
CHARLIE: (Sleepily.) What? What time is it?
SALLY: Oh, big brother, it's awful. The police are here. I heard someone knock and I snuck downstairs to see what was going on. They were asking Mom and Dad all sorts of things about Lucy. She's ... she's been killed.
CUT TO BLACK—TITLE SEQUENCE
- - - -
EXT. GRAVEYARD—DAY
(A small casket is being lowered into a grave as SCHROEDER, 7, plays a mournful tune on his piano. Standing beside the casket holding white flowers are CHARLIE and SALLY; LINUS VAN PELT, 8; RERUN VAN PELT, 5; MARCIE, 8; and PEPPERMINT PATTY, 8. SNOOPY, 70, in full military uniform, stands at attention with WOODSTOCK, who is perched on his shoulder.)
PRIEST: (Offscreen.) Woh woh woh. Woh woh. Woh woh woh woh. Woh woh. Woh woh woh. Woh woh woh.
- - - -
EXT. GRAVEYARD—DAY
(PEPPERMINT PATTY, MARCIE, and CHARLIE BROWN stand by the road as the funeral procession drives off.)
CHARLIE: I can't believe she's gone. I'm still waiting for her to show up. (Pause.) Hey, has anyone seen Franklin? I'm surprised he didn't show.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Well, Chuck, the fuzz picked up Franklin this morning.
CHARLIE: What? Why would they arrest Franklin?
PEPPERMINT PATTY: They didn't arrest him, Chuck, they just took him in for questioning. Mrs. Van Pelt never did like Lucy hanging around him.
- - - -
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(FRANKLIN, 8, sits behind a shoddy wooden desk. A single lamp hangs down from the ceiling. The two interrogators, offscreen, make a play at bad cop/good cop.)
OFFICER 1: (Forceful.) Woh woh. Woh woh woh. Woh woh woh woh woh woh.
FRANKLIN: I wouldn't. I thought Charlie Brown's other friends were a little strange, but I would never kill any of them. You've got the wrong guy.
OFFICER 1: Woh woh woh woh.
FRANKLIN: (Near tears.) No, I'm telling you I didn't do it!
OFFICER 2: (Sympathetic.) Woh woh woh. Woh. Woh woh woh woh.
OFFICER 1: (More forceful.) Woh woh woh woh! Woh woh.
OFFICER 2: Woh woh. Woh woh woh.
OFFICER 1: Woh!
(A door is heard opening, then slamming shut.)
FRANKLIN: Thank you for getting him out of here, he was scaring me.
OFFICER 2: Woh woh woh. Woh woh woh woh.
FRANKLIN: Well, I don't think she had any enemies, but she didn't always get along with all the crew ...
FADE TO BLACK
- - - -
INT. LIVING ROOM—DAY
(SALLY sits in her beanbag chair watching television. A loud crash is heard and the front door flies off its hinges.)
VOICE OFFSCREEN: WOH WOH WOH WOH!
- - - -
INT. BEDROOM—DAY
(CHARLIE BROWN sits at his desk with his head in his hands.)
SALLY: (Offscreen.) Run, big brother. It's the police—they have a search warrant!
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
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