EXCERPT FROM THE
UNFINISHED SCREENPLAY
YOU'RE A JAILBIRD,
CHARLIE BROWN.
- - - -
INT. BOY'S BEDROOM—NIGHT
(Shadows dance across the room as CHARLIE BROWN, 8, sleeps comfortably in his bed. The door creaks open and a small figure, SALLY BROWN, 6, enters, moves toward her sleeping brother, and prods him awake.)
SALLY: (Frightened.) Big brother ... big brother, wake up. Oh, please, big brother, wake up.
CHARLIE: (Sleepily.) What? What time is it?
SALLY: Oh, big brother, it's awful. The police are here. I heard someone knock and I snuck downstairs to see what was going on. They were asking Mom and Dad all sorts of things about Lucy. She's ... she's been killed.
CUT TO BLACK—TITLE SEQUENCE
- - - -
EXT. GRAVEYARD—DAY
(A small casket is being lowered into a grave as SCHROEDER, 7, plays a mournful tune on his piano. Standing beside the casket holding white flowers are CHARLIE and SALLY; LINUS VAN PELT, 8; RERUN VAN PELT, 5; MARCIE, 8; and PEPPERMINT PATTY, 8. SNOOPY, 70, in full military uniform, stands at attention with WOODSTOCK, who is perched on his shoulder.)
PRIEST: (Offscreen.) Woh woh woh. Woh woh. Woh woh woh woh. Woh woh. Woh woh woh. Woh woh woh.
- - - -
EXT. GRAVEYARD—DAY
(PEPPERMINT PATTY, MARCIE, and CHARLIE BROWN stand by the road as the funeral procession drives off.)
CHARLIE: I can't believe she's gone. I'm still waiting for her to show up. (Pause.) Hey, has anyone seen Franklin? I'm surprised he didn't show.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Well, Chuck, the fuzz picked up Franklin this morning.
CHARLIE: What? Why would they arrest Franklin?
PEPPERMINT PATTY: They didn't arrest him, Chuck, they just took him in for questioning. Mrs. Van Pelt never did like Lucy hanging around him.
- - - -
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(FRANKLIN, 8, sits behind a shoddy wooden desk. A single lamp hangs down from the ceiling. The two interrogators, offscreen, make a play at bad cop/good cop.)
OFFICER 1: (Forceful.) Woh woh. Woh woh woh. Woh woh woh woh woh woh.
FRANKLIN: I wouldn't. I thought Charlie Brown's other friends were a little strange, but I would never kill any of them. You've got the wrong guy.
OFFICER 1: Woh woh woh woh.
FRANKLIN: (Near tears.) No, I'm telling you I didn't do it!
OFFICER 2: (Sympathetic.) Woh woh woh. Woh. Woh woh woh woh.
OFFICER 1: (More forceful.) Woh woh woh woh! Woh woh.
OFFICER 2: Woh woh. Woh woh woh.
OFFICER 1: Woh!
(A door is heard opening, then slamming shut.)
FRANKLIN: Thank you for getting him out of here, he was scaring me.
OFFICER 2: Woh woh woh. Woh woh woh woh.
FRANKLIN: Well, I don't think she had any enemies, but she didn't always get along with all the crew ...
FADE TO BLACK
- - - -
INT. LIVING ROOM—DAY
(SALLY sits in her beanbag chair watching television. A loud crash is heard and the front door flies off its hinges.)
VOICE OFFSCREEN: WOH WOH WOH WOH!
- - - -
INT. BEDROOM—DAY
(CHARLIE BROWN sits at his desk with his head in his hands.)
SALLY: (Offscreen.) Run, big brother. It's the police—they have a search warrant!
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Excerpt From the Unfinished Screenplay You're a Jailbird, Charlie Brown By Jeff Sutter
Thomas the NJ Transit Train By Marco Kaye
My DVD Player's User's Manual (as Written by Chuck Palahniuk) By Adam Manella
The Severely Allergic Restaurant Critic By Flip Jaeger
In the Year 2030, the Young Hotshot at My Office Tries to Walk Me Through "Centaur," Apple's New Mind-Orb-Based Operating System By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson
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