Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
WWW.USUCKBOOK.COM.BY GREGORY HUDSON- - - - To: Royce As you can see, I added you as a nemesis on uSuckbook.com. I noticed I'm your 113th nemesis. That sucks. I only have 34. And most of those are probably jokes. I don't know why you even joined uSuckbook. It was not a good move. I mean, I don't mind, since I wouldn't have been able to register my disdain for you any other way. I'm not one for confrontation. Anyway, just thought you'd like to know. You can stop flicking me. Congrats, - - - - To: Nate Glad you finally noticed. Dick. I didn't sign up for this "anti-social" utility to make friends, obviously. I joined so that I could know who my true friends are ... and who my true enemies are. Good for you for finally picking a side. If you think I'm going to stop the forwards now that you added me as your nemesis, think again. It just means we get to kick this nemesis-ship into high gear. Get ready for the gay porn! Loser. Oh, and if you could send me a copy of last week's meeting minutes, that would be really helpful. I can't quite remember the specs for the whatchamacallit. Thanks. Royce - - - - To: Royce I hope you like the new album I loaded onto your uSuckbook profile. I made sure to incorporate all the shots from last year's Christmas party. The one where you have puke residue on your white shirt, the one where you're making out with the intern, and the one with you hitting on the intern's mom. Which one did you score with, again? Oh, wait, now I remember. Way to go, Ashton. I think the intern is on uSuckbook. She'll probably add you soon, don't worry. Oh, and the shot I got of you on the can: priceless. What were you reading? The Da Vinci Code? What is this—2003? Geez. Also, I appreciated your proposal yesterday. Douche. Nate - - - - To: Nate I think I added your wife on uSuckbook. I thought it was funny that she was on your profile. Technically, I said I hated her through you, but it's also because she's got a mustache. It must suck having your own wife as one of your nemeses. I always assumed you had some redeeming qualities. Wrong again. Ass. Royce - - - - To: Royce You were wrong, that isn't my wife. You added my mom. So there, now who looks like an idiot? Hey, you should join the group I just made. It's called People Who Realize Royce Davies Is a Complete Retard United. It's got 17 members so far. I think joining it would be a real step in the right direction for you. Recognition is the first step, after all! HA HA LOL! Also, sorry to hear about your brother. Cancer is a bitch. Nate - - - - To: Nate-dog I never see you when I go down to accounting anymore. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just saying. Oh, like what I wrote on your wall? I thought maybe we should leave your herpes out of it, but then I decided it really should be on your profile. Favorite books and movies aren't enough to really judge a person by. STDs, on the other hand ... Speaking of, if you ever need anything, I can give you my number. I know we haven't really talked in a couple of months. I don't have time to talk to my friends, let alone my nemeses. You suck. Royce - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - www.uSuckbook.com By Gregory HudsonBlack Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja—Installment Three By Eric Feezell Carnac the Jaded By Chris Sartinsky My Father, as Owner of His Fantasy Baseball Team, Has a Meeting With His Players to Explore Their Concerns About Front-Office Management By Kate Kershner Thank You, Thank You, a Thousand Thank-Yous, and More |
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