You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

NOSTALGIC REMEMBRANCES OF THINGS THAT HAVEN'T HAPPENED YET. BY ERIC WIENER - - - - 1. The Summer I Lived With Moos in Chicago ME: Man, do you remember that summer we spent together living in Chicago that will happen in two years? Those were the days, huh? Right by the lake and everything ... MOOS: What? ME: Think about all the fun we will have had! You and I had such a good time that hasn't happened yet. MOOS: I mean ... It will be fun. What exactly are you talking about, though? 2. Inflation ME: I'll tell you one thing: People can badmouth the economy and the rising prices of gas all they want, but the inflation in three years from tomorrow was one of the best things ever to happen to this country soon. Think about the deflation in Japan. It ruined their entire economy. TOM: The inflation that will happen is one of the best things that ever happened? Are you feeling OK? ME: You don't remember that? Remember three years from now? 3. My New Job BOSS: Eric, I'm not sure you're really the fit we were looking for when we hired you here at Johnson & Johnson. During the interview, we liked how you talked fondly about the past. Then once you got here you seemed stuck in these memories, always looking backward, even with a company that's positioned for such a bright future. ME: Well, I love what I do after I leave. Going into automobile sales honestly was the best move I've ever made once you fire me before this conversation is over. BOSS: Eric, I'm a little worried about you and not just professionally. I'm worried about ... ME: Oh, don't worry about me the way you have after you've finished beginning to fire me. Reflect on the great success we both found after all this is over! 4. Impregnating My Girlfriend AMANDA: What do you want to do tonight? ME: Anything, really, as long as it's as meaningful and fulfilling as when we got you pregnant after dinner. AMANDA: Really? ME: Of course, baby, once it happens that was a moment we'll share for the rest of time. AMANDA: We're having a baby?!? I love you! ME: And I will have loved you, too. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Nostalgic Remembrances of Things That Haven't Happened Yet By Eric Wiener Ivan Lendl, Former Tennis Champion and Current Landscape-Painting Teacher in the Goshen, Connecticut, Community Center By Teddy Wayne The Believer June/July Music Issue Is Here Accounts of My More Notable Childhood Street Fights, Written Not by Me but by Totally Unbiased Eyewitnesses By Eric Feezell A Letter From My Journal Re: "Hectic" By Adam Lefton

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL