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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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NOSTALGIC REMEMBRANCES OF THINGS THAT HAVEN'T HAPPENED YET. BY ERIC WIENER - - - - 1. The Summer I Lived With Moos in Chicago ME: Man, do you remember that summer we spent together living in Chicago that will happen in two years? Those were the days, huh? Right by the lake and everything ... MOOS: What? ME: Think about all the fun we will have had! You and I had such a good time that hasn't happened yet. MOOS: I mean ... It will be fun. What exactly are you talking about, though? 2. Inflation ME: I'll tell you one thing: People can badmouth the economy and the rising prices of gas all they want, but the inflation in three years from tomorrow was one of the best things ever to happen to this country soon. Think about the deflation in Japan. It ruined their entire economy. TOM: The inflation that will happen is one of the best things that ever happened? Are you feeling OK? ME: You don't remember that? Remember three years from now? 3. My New Job BOSS: Eric, I'm not sure you're really the fit we were looking for when we hired you here at Johnson & Johnson. During the interview, we liked how you talked fondly about the past. Then once you got here you seemed stuck in these memories, always looking backward, even with a company that's positioned for such a bright future. ME: Well, I love what I do after I leave. Going into automobile sales honestly was the best move I've ever made once you fire me before this conversation is over. BOSS: Eric, I'm a little worried about you and not just professionally. I'm worried about ... ME: Oh, don't worry about me the way you have after you've finished beginning to fire me. Reflect on the great success we both found after all this is over! 4. Impregnating My Girlfriend AMANDA: What do you want to do tonight? ME: Anything, really, as long as it's as meaningful and fulfilling as when we got you pregnant after dinner. AMANDA: Really? ME: Of course, baby, once it happens that was a moment we'll share for the rest of time. AMANDA: We're having a baby?!? I love you! ME: And I will have loved you, too. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Nostalgic Remembrances of Things That Haven't Happened Yet By Eric Wiener Ivan Lendl, Former Tennis Champion and Current Landscape-Painting Teacher in the Goshen, Connecticut, Community Center By Teddy Wayne The Believer June/July Music Issue Is Here Accounts of My More Notable Childhood Street Fights, Written Not by Me but by Totally Unbiased Eyewitnesses By Eric Feezell A Letter From My Journal Re: "Hectic" By Adam Lefton

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL