You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

THREE SELECTIONS FROM THE MASOCHIST'S COOKBOOK. BY JEFF MICHAELS - - - - Prosciutto Wrapped Around Fruit Place thin strips of prosciutto di Parma around apple or melon cubes. Have a guest call you dirty names while slapping you in the face with any extra meat slices. Great appetizer for picnics. Cinnamon Spiced Pecans With Orange Rum Glaze 2 1/2 cups raw pecans 1 cup rum 2 tsp. light-brown sugar 1/4 tsp. salt 1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon zest of 1 orange Toast pecans at 350 degrees for 5 min. In a large saucepan, add rum, sugar, salt, cinnamon, and zest. Bring to a rolling boil. At this point, you may want to call 911. Remove pants. Bite down on an oven mitt and pour scalding glaze mixture over genitals. Serves: 4 Cornish Game Hen With Mushroom Sauce and Red Potatoes 2 Cornish game hens 4 red potatoes, quartered 2 cups beef broth 1 cup diced onion 1/2 cup shiitake mushrooms 5 tsp. all-purpose flour 2 tsp. butter Clean and dice mushrooms, and soak in cold water. Drain. In a large pan, sauté mushrooms and onions in butter. Add beef broth. Thicken with flour, and bring to boil. Take shoe and sock off right foot. Place game hens, potatoes, and foot in a shallow roasting pan. Cover with sauce. Roast at 375 degrees until you reach orgasm. Serves: 8–10 Wine pairing: Full-bodied Merlot. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Three Selections From The Masochist's Cookbook By Jeff Michaels Nostalgic Remembrances of Things That Haven't Happened Yet By Eric Wiener Ivan Lendl, Former Tennis Champion and Current Landscape-Painting Teacher in the Goshen, Connecticut, Community Center By Teddy Wayne The Believer June/July Music Issue Is Here Accounts of My More Notable Childhood Street Fights, Written Not by Me but by Totally Unbiased Eyewitnesses By Eric Feezell

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