ANIMAL
STRIPPER ROUTINES
FOR ANY OCCASION.
- - - -
The Baby Shower
Music: "Rockin' Robin" by Bobby Day
To the happy beat, I enter—dressed as a stork. Feathers from head to toe, a cloth diaper, and a large beak are the highlights of this ensemble. Slowly, slowly, on the offbeat, I pluck feathers from my body using my beak. I start at my ankles. Once I reach my shoulders, I just jerk sensually to the music, since my virile beak can't reach the feathers on my collarbones. Eventually, I am left with nothing but my diaper and a feather over each nipple. As the cheering swells, I seductively untie my diaper (with my beak) and stand before the crowd of mothers and children with only barely-there feathers covering my private bird parts. When the music fades, I gracefully swoop out of the room, with feathers dancing on the ground beneath me.
The Republican Convention
Music: "Splish Splash" by Bobby Darin
As Mr. Darin sings about his sudsy Saturday night, I enter—wearing an elephant costume. I have a gigantic trunk and ears the size of dinner plates. My body is covered with gray paint and drawn-on wrinkles. Mightily, I swing my trunk to the music filling the arena. The crowd responds joyfully to my bravado. I march (on all fours) to the center of the stage, where a large trough of water is waiting. With my ass to the audience, I inhale water through my trunk and hose myself down. After several hose-downs, I whip around and reveal my body, everything except my pachydermal privates, which are covered by a peanut-shell thong.
Sunday Service
Music: Popular hymn by 18th-century white man; "Got Your Money" by Ol' Dirty Bastard
To the soothing strains of the organ, I enter—dressed as a fish. Goggle-eyed contacts, flippers adorned with seaweed, and a suit made of something akin to mermaid skin capture the essence of this character. As I walk down the aisle of the church tossing loaves of bread to the assembled, my shiny scales gleam under the sun-drenched stained glass. (Stripper tip: Use lard to shine your costume before any indoor performance.) Once I reach the altar, I drop to the ground, fast and hard. And that's when the flipping starts. I flip like a mad fish. Back and forth, up and down, and before long my diaphanous costume is torn to shreds and falls away. When the music slows and the congregation becomes quiet, I rise, like Jesus from the dead. What's covering my cold-blooded nether regions? A Bible (pocket-sized). "Got Your Money" blasts as I descend from the altar, collection plate in hand, doing my part to contribute to the service.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Animal Stripper Routines for Any Occasion By Yasmine Abbasakoor
Genesis, the Rollout By Cathy McNally
Recently Declassified Letters From NASA to Phillip Hinton Re: Finding Life By Jason Bernstein
Operation Iraqi Free Gun By Jason Roeder
Anderson Cooper and Dinner Guest Eat at His Least Favorite Restaurant (Again) By Wayne Gladstone
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.