ANGELA, YOU'RE
A DISGRACE TO THE
BLOODSLUTS EMPIRE.
- - - -
Cut cut cut cut cut! Angela, you're a disgrace to the Bloodsluts empire. Do you even understand what this scene is about? Come here. I know, I know: Your feet hurt. I can see your stilettos! So, do you? Have any idea? About this scene? Yes, no? Pick one! Here's a note: First, you seduce the duke. Seduce him all the way over to the bed. Which you will then tie him to, the lovely four-poster mahogany bed, and then you will suck his blood. Remember when we talked about crossing the line? No sex. See, it's the "blood" part of the word "bloodsluts" that I'm most interested in. The other part not so much. No
sex. Where does it say anywhere in my script that you will be shagging the Duke of Windham? Does it say it anywhere? Please read it to me aloud. No? So why does your face do that thing? That tarted-up face? Why are you making that face on camera? Do you think we can't see you? Even with all these candles? See this monitor? How many times do I have to tell you? Your motivation is blood, not sex!
Let me say something, let me just reassure you of one thing: We are making a movie about latex-clad vampirellas—some of them lesbian, yes—but this is not pornography. Has anyone asked you to lift your shirt? Besides Jimmy the boom-mike man? Besides him? You signed a waiver regarding that bastard. I thought you said you acted, yeah?
Where was it, exactly? That you acted? Where were you acting? Before I gave you the opportunity of a lifetime? I was visiting my parents when I met you, so it must have been Florida ... Was it dinner theater in Tampa? Was that it? Because that is what this whole scene is starting to remind me of. "Oh, waitress! Where's my shrimp scampi? Waitress!"
Don't cry, dear, don't cry, it's all right. Makeup! Makeup, could we get some more fake blood for my Angela, my beautiful vampire?
Makeup! Could we get some more fake blood for my vampire movie, please?
There, there. Isn't that better? Don't you feel like a vampire now? Wait, did you chip your plastic tooth? Jesus, Angela, these vampire teeth are not cheap! Christ on a cupcake. Props! Could you posthaste fix these teeth of Angela's? She looks like some kind of rabid squirrel. Can you make it sexy? Yes, you. Makeup person. Can you make these teeth sexy? Can you try to make the tooth not look like some kind of appendage from something that crawls on trees and eats nuts?
I want you to trust me, Angela. I want your trust, OK? I know what I'm doing. This is my sixth film in the franchise! OK? I've won awards. You're a 15th-century time-traveling vampire dominatrix. Now could you please start acting like one? That's a good girl.
We'll take it from the top, people!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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