EXCLUSIVE!
LEAKED EXCERPTS FROM
A SCREENPLAY WRITTEN
BY MY GRANDPARENTS IN
AN ATTEMPT TO CASH IN
ON THE SUPERHERO-
MOVIE CRAZE.
- - - -
INT. CONDO OF JUSTICE—DAY
(GENIUS MAN and CLASSY LADY are receiving top-secret e-mails from the PRESIDENT, when disaster strikes. A strange noise, then the screen turns black.)
GENIUS MAN: It's Mr. Internet. He's locked us out of American Online's Internets ... again!
CLASSY LADY: Blast! If we don't stop him, he'll soon gain control of the world's children, while they're surfing the World Wide Web!
GENIUS MAN: Off to Mr. Internet's lair, on Microsoft Computer Island! To the GeniusMobile!
CLASSY LADY: The GeniusMobile has been sounding funny. Did you get it checked like I asked?
GENIUS MAN: I was doing our taxes. I'll get to it this week. (Grabs keys.)
CLASSY LADY: Remember your glasses this time. You almost ran over Sadie Zuckerman last Friday.
GENIUS MAN: That was because it was about to rain and you were talking to me. (Pats his shirt.) Where are those glasses?
CLASSY LADY: Where did you leave them?
GENIUS MAN: If I knew, I wouldn't be looking for them. Do we have time for a sandwich?
- - - -
INT. CRIME-FIGHTING CAVE—DAY
(GOOD GIRL and SENSITIVE BOY pace anxiously. SENSITIVE BOY looks like he's lost a little weight.)
SENSITIVE BOY: I'm so worried about Classy Lady and Genius Man.
GOOD GIRL: How many times have you called?
SENSITIVE BOY: (Sheepishly.) Today? Only five times.
GOOD GIRL: Only five times? But it's almost noon!
SENSITIVE BOY: I know, but I thought ...
GOOD GIRL: Well, "you thought" ... and now Classy Lady and Genius Man are probably lying in a ditch somewhere, dead.
SENSITIVE BOY: We should get a new crime-fighting cave, one close to the Condo of Justice. Maybe in that fancy new community where Cookie Lipshitz's son just got himself a very nice crime-fighting cave.
GOOD GIRL: Of course we should. What—we can't base our superhero business in Florida? Like New Jersey's so great?
(SENSITIVE BOY's cellular telephone rings with one of those BlackBerry messages.)
SENSITIVE BOY: It's one of those BlackBerry messages, from Genius Man.
GOOD GIRL: What's it say?
SENSITIVE BOY: It says, "Does your Microsoft computer have an Internet, mister?" It's some kind of code! Jeez, Good Girl, you gotta help me! I'm only a superhero. Genius Man was an accountant!
GOOD GIRL: Eureka! He's telling us they're being held by Mr. Internet, on Microsoft Computer Island! I hope he's feeding them; Classy Lady has low blood sugar!
SENSITIVE BOY: (Inconsolable.) It's all my fault. I should have called more.
GOOD GIRL: Maybe you'll call tomorrow ... if there is a tomorrow.
- - - -
INT. MR. INTERNET'S STUFFY LAIR—DAY
(CLASSY LADY and GENIUS MAN are tied up in ropes. No one has provided lunch. GOOD GIRL and SENSITIVE BOY burst in.)
MR. INTERNET: So ... you've found my lair on Microsoft Computer Island!
GOOD GIRL: Of course. We went to good colleges. Not Ivy League, but maybe if we had applied ourselves ... We certainly had the brains.
SENSITIVE BOY: Now let Classy Lady and Genius Man go!
MR. INTERNET: How dare you speak in an outdoor voice at me! Now I will discombobulate you ... forever! Wait—why are you crying?
(CUT TO: SENSITIVE BOY looking at his wallet photos.)
SENSITIVE BOY: (Crying.) These photos ... they remind me how beautiful it is when the whole family gets together. God forbid it should be more than once a year.
MR. INTERNET: (Looking at photos, dropping to his knees.) Gorgeous ... family ... Breaking me down ... My emotions ... Must resist ...
GOOD GIRL: Mr. Internet, did you know the average rainfall in Spain is 25 inches per year?
MR. INTERNET: How could you know that without using the World Almanac? Your intellect is causing my circuits to malfunction.
(CUT TO: CLASSY LADY and GENIUS MAN grabbing MR. INTERNET's arms.)
MR. INTERNET: How did you two get free?
GENIUS MAN: Using superhuman math skills from all my years of being an accountant, I was able to figure out how to untie us.
CLASSY LADY: We're bringing you to justice, Mr. Internet. Or should I call you ... (Removes MR. INTERNET's mask.) ... Saddam Hitler?
MR. INTERNET: Blast! You have defeated me! Can I have my one telephone call?
CLASSY LADY: Is it long-distance?
GENIUS MAN: Don't worry, we can write it off. Who do you want to call, Saddam?
MR. INTERNET: Two people I should have called a long time ago. My grandparents, Ben and Estelle Hitler.
FADE OUT—THE END
- - - -
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