THE LONELY SOMMELIER:
BEVERAGE PAIRINGS
FROM MY KITCHEN.
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1.
Lipton PureLeaf
Unsweetened Iced Tea,
New Jersey, 2007
Refreshing, citrusy, with a clean and bracing herbal finish.
Pairs with:
Swordfish, chicken salad, and that tangerine-flavored lip-balm kiss we shared in the park on our first date.
2.
San Pellegrino Limonata
Sparkling Lemon Beverage, Italy, 2007
Bright, high in carbonation, and packed with 12 percent lemon juice. A truly joyous drink, it revives and elevates the senses.
Pairs with:
The Saturday we watched Amélie, remember? About halfway through, you said you forgot you were even reading the subtitles, and I said I felt the same way, and we connected, and it was totally great.
Also, ravioli.
3.
Lindemans Bin 45 Cabernet Sauvignon,
Southeastern Australia, 2003
Like most Australian Cabs, this lower-priced offering from Lindemans features a robust earthiness and impressive balance. This particular Cabernet Sauvignon also has a mouth feel that is strikingly smooth and rich ... much like kissing the spot between your shoulder blades.
God, I miss that spot.
Pairs with:
Pungent cheeses, lamb, beef, and regret.
4.
Original Green River
Caffeine-Free Lime Soda,
Illinois, 2006-or-2007-ish
Made with natural lime oils. Dark, thick, and perhaps overly sweet, Green River leaves an unpleasant sugary slick on the back of one's throat.
Pairs with:
Salted popcorn, basically anything by Lean Cuisine, and that night I apparently said too much and screwed up everything between us. Stupid. Stupid!
5.
Dean's Grade A
Half & Half, Illinois, 2007
Thick, silky, and sultry. Full of lactose and saturated fat.
Pairs with:
Sumatran dark-roasted coffees, Earl Grey teas, and—at a full 20 calories per tablespoon—is great on its own, right out of the bottle and into my mouth, because I don't care about myself or how I look or whether or not you care, either, OK? I. Don't. Care.
Really.
6.
Absopure Natural Spring Water,
Michigan, 2007
You remember Michigan, don't you? We counted seagulls ... There were 39 in that one parking lot. Thirty-nine! God, with you, I could have counted them forever. Michigan seagulls.
Pairs with:
My saline tears. (Makes an excellent gargle.)
7.
Bruce Foods "The Perfect Louisiana" Hot Sauce,
Louisiana, probably sometime in 2003
Not traditionally a beverage, but the searing pain it causes as it drips down my throat takes my mind off the bleeding hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
Come back with my heart!
Pairs with:
Louisiana Chicken Wings (recipe available on Bruce Foods "The Perfect Louisiana" Hot Sauce bottle, or write to Bruce Foods Corporation, P.O. Drawer 1030, New Iberia, LA 70562-1030).
8.
V8 V.Fusion Tropical Orange,
New Jersey, Expired 2/19/06
Sort of chunky. Tastes a little like pasta sauce. I found it in the back of my refrigerator while searching for the rolls of film we took on our trip to the zoo. That was, jeez, a year ago, maybe more. But the film should be fine. You liked the zebras, I remember.
Pairs with:
Zebra meat.
9.
Duracell Coppertop
AA Battery Acid Drippings,
Scraped From Long-Forgotten Mini-Flashlight
in Junk Drawer, Yesterday
Tingly and bitter, I bet. You don't think I'll do it, do you?
Pairs with:
The day I actually do it. I swear to you, I'll do it.
Oh. Oh, God. I'm sorry. It's just that ... I'm in a really bad place right now, baby. A bad place. I'm ... I'm so sorry. Can I call you sometime?
10.
Svedka Citron
Lemon Flavored Vodka,
Sweden, 2005
It burns, but I like it.
Pairs with:
Sitting under your window ledge at 3 in the morning, nose pressed up against the glass, swilling it while I watch my breath make tiny clouds on your bedroom window.
No, don't wake up ... Go to sleep, baby ... Sleep sweetly. What are you doing? No, babe. Get back in bed. Don't look this way. Baby? Where are you going? Baby, it's just me! Don't panic! What are you looking for? Who are you calling? Stop yelling! Stop!
Baby, I brought some Svedka! We can make screwdrivers, baby! Baby?
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The Lonely Sommelier: Beverage Pairings From My Kitchen By Katelyn Stanek
I Can Tell Millions of Dollars Wouldn't Make You Happy Anyway: A Brief Follow-up With Regard to My Losing Your Money By Dan Kennedy
Yoknapatawpha County Today By Vernon Lott
E-mails Sent Between Members of New Edition Regarding Their Reunion Tour By Stephen Scaia
Comments From RateMyShepherd.com By Ross Murray
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