You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

MY SAD ATTEMPT TO HAVE A SEX FANTASY ABOUT ATTRACTIVE FORMER WHITE HOUSE POLITICAL DIRECTOR SARA TAYLOR. BY YONI BERKOVITS - - - - ME: Please state your name. SARA TAYLOR: Sara Taylor. ME: Let the record show that Ms. Taylor is smoking hot. SENATE JUDICIARY CHAIRMAN PATRICK LEAHY: Noted. ME: Ms. Taylor, I'd like to thank you for appearing in this fantasy. SARA TAYLOR: Well, I was subpoenaed. ME: So many of my love interests are. Ms. Taylor, could you please tell the committee about the events of Friday evening, September 15 of last year? SARA TAYLOR: I'm afraid I don't have any recollection of that night. ME: Wasn't it the night you had a sexy slumber party with attractive White House deputy press secretary Dana Perino? SARA TAYLOR: I'm sorry, I don't recall. ME: You don't recall whether or not you had a slumber party with Ms. Perino? SARA TAYLOR: I don't recall the night in question. What I mean to say is, I didn't keep a record of my activities for that evening, whether slumber-party-related or otherwise. ME: So you don't recall whether you and Ms. Perino had a pillow fight in your lingerie and then took a bubble bath together? SARA TAYLOR: As I've stated, I do not recall the events of that evening. ME: But is it fair to say that, regardless of the specific date on which it took place, you and Dana Perino did at some point have a sexy slumber party? SARA TAYLOR: I can't say whether or not that's fair to say, because, as I've told the committee, I don't recall. SENATOR CHARLES SCHUMER: Mr. Chairman, if I may? SENATOR PATRICK LEAHY: Go ahead, Senator. SENATOR SCHUMER: Ms. Taylor, I have here the text of an e-mail in which you state that you and Ms. Perino were in the habit of having such slumber parties, because—and I quote—"we are two hot vixens and we love to go crazy on each other." SARA TAYLOR: With due respect to the committee, I would like to answer the question, but I am unable to speak with regard to any slumber parties that may or may not have taken place, as said slumber parties fall within the parameters of the president's executive privilege. ME: (Getting frustrated.) OK, this isn't very sexy. Look, Ms. Taylor, you would be a great help to this committee if you just ... I don't know ... took off your top. (She shrugs and starts to unbutton her top button. She is stopped by her lawyer. The lawyer whispers in her ear.) SARA TAYLOR: I'm sorry, I would like to comply with the committee's request, but I believe that I am prevented from doing so by the letter I received from White House counsel Fred Fielding. ME: Worse sex fantasy ever. (Sigh.) Who do we have next? SENATOR SCHUMER: Harriet Miers. SENATOR LEAHY: But she's not even showing up. ME: Yeah, that's probably for the best. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - My Sad Attempt to Have a Sex Fantasy About Attractive Former White House Political Director Sara Taylor By Yoni Berkovits Gentile Culture Is a Beautiful Thing By Sigmund Stern People Whose Names Are Anagrams of My Own—Shane Patrick Ryan—Hold a Town Meeting By Shane Ryan How to Be a Bullfighter By Sarah Walker An Intense Moment Aboard the Battlestar Galactagogue By Kari Anne Roy

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