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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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MY SAD ATTEMPT TO HAVE A SEX FANTASY ABOUT ATTRACTIVE FORMER WHITE HOUSE POLITICAL DIRECTOR SARA TAYLOR. BY YONI BERKOVITS - - - - ME: Please state your name. SARA TAYLOR: Sara Taylor. ME: Let the record show that Ms. Taylor is smoking hot. SENATE JUDICIARY CHAIRMAN PATRICK LEAHY: Noted. ME: Ms. Taylor, I'd like to thank you for appearing in this fantasy. SARA TAYLOR: Well, I was subpoenaed. ME: So many of my love interests are. Ms. Taylor, could you please tell the committee about the events of Friday evening, September 15 of last year? SARA TAYLOR: I'm afraid I don't have any recollection of that night. ME: Wasn't it the night you had a sexy slumber party with attractive White House deputy press secretary Dana Perino? SARA TAYLOR: I'm sorry, I don't recall. ME: You don't recall whether or not you had a slumber party with Ms. Perino? SARA TAYLOR: I don't recall the night in question. What I mean to say is, I didn't keep a record of my activities for that evening, whether slumber-party-related or otherwise. ME: So you don't recall whether you and Ms. Perino had a pillow fight in your lingerie and then took a bubble bath together? SARA TAYLOR: As I've stated, I do not recall the events of that evening. ME: But is it fair to say that, regardless of the specific date on which it took place, you and Dana Perino did at some point have a sexy slumber party? SARA TAYLOR: I can't say whether or not that's fair to say, because, as I've told the committee, I don't recall. SENATOR CHARLES SCHUMER: Mr. Chairman, if I may? SENATOR PATRICK LEAHY: Go ahead, Senator. SENATOR SCHUMER: Ms. Taylor, I have here the text of an e-mail in which you state that you and Ms. Perino were in the habit of having such slumber parties, because—and I quote—"we are two hot vixens and we love to go crazy on each other." SARA TAYLOR: With due respect to the committee, I would like to answer the question, but I am unable to speak with regard to any slumber parties that may or may not have taken place, as said slumber parties fall within the parameters of the president's executive privilege. ME: (Getting frustrated.) OK, this isn't very sexy. Look, Ms. Taylor, you would be a great help to this committee if you just ... I don't know ... took off your top. (She shrugs and starts to unbutton her top button. She is stopped by her lawyer. The lawyer whispers in her ear.) SARA TAYLOR: I'm sorry, I would like to comply with the committee's request, but I believe that I am prevented from doing so by the letter I received from White House counsel Fred Fielding. ME: Worse sex fantasy ever. (Sigh.) Who do we have next? SENATOR SCHUMER: Harriet Miers. SENATOR LEAHY: But she's not even showing up. ME: Yeah, that's probably for the best. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - My Sad Attempt to Have a Sex Fantasy About Attractive Former White House Political Director Sara Taylor By Yoni Berkovits Gentile Culture Is a Beautiful Thing By Sigmund Stern People Whose Names Are Anagrams of My Own—Shane Patrick Ryan—Hold a Town Meeting By Shane Ryan How to Be a Bullfighter By Sarah Walker An Intense Moment Aboard the Battlestar Galactagogue By Kari Anne Roy

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL