A MEMO FROM
SONY COMPUTER
ENTERTAINMENT
AMERICA'S EXECUTIVE
VICE PRESIDENT
ANDREW HOUSE TO
THE NEW PLAYSTATION
NEXT GENERATION
DESIGN TEAM.
- - - -
TO: Next Wave Design Team
FROM: Andrew House
RE: The Next Generation PlayStation Platform
Dear all,
Although we could never admit this to the public, we are prepared to admit it to ourselves: we lost this round. PlayStation 3 has been defeated by the Wii.
However, the board of directors has determined why the Wii won—players get to use their arms. Simply put, more body parts equals more fun. The board feels we have an opportunity to capitalize on this information. We have gathered this team to create a video-game system whose interface involves so many body parts and is so immersive that it will make the Wii look like Pong. This will be accomplished by the new controller that you will design: the water-tank controller.
What is a water-tank controller, you ask? The player gets in a tank and completely immerses himself in water. His movements in the tank are detected by external sensors. Those movements control his avatar onscreen. The player and the controller will be as one, for a complete gaming experience.
There are some small logistical problems with this idea that you must address. First, the water tank will need to be the size of a small pool, but it must also fold neatly into a box, and also fit in the average bedroom or living room. The board believes that it may be necessary to warp space and time around these water tanks. We recommend you look into that.
Second, there needs to be a breathing mechanism. Players will be submerged in water for what we hope will be days at a time playing our games. Our focus groups have indicated, almost universally, that video-game systems that cause player fatalities are received poorly by the public, no matter how we describe the event. Therefore, players must be able to breathe underwater. We recommend some variation on the long, narrow, hollow cylindrical devices used to drink soda. Or possibly scuba gear.
Also, you may want to examine water-filtration devices in fish tanks. If the players are underwater for as long as we hope, they might need to relieve themselves in the tank. Many players will choose to do that rather than pause their round of Soul Caliber.
Finally, Sony must be able to sell this system for $125 per unit, which will include both the hardware and the tank. We will not be undersold this time around. I trust your ingenuity can accomplish all this.
Folks, the future of our company rests in your capable hands. Go invent the next generation of gaming, the aqua generation.
Regards,
Andy
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Memo From Sony Computer Entertainment America's Executive Vice President Andrew House to the New PlayStation Next Generation Design Team By John Frank Weaver
Pelé Gets "a Brazilian" By Pasha Malla
Mr. Tambellini's School of Driving By Jen Spyra
My Sad Attempt to Have a Sex Fantasy About Attractive Former White House Political Director Sara Taylor By Yoni Berkovits
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.