MIDTERM EXAM ON KELLY, THE WOMAN WITH WHOM MY HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR. BY SUSAN SCHORN - - - - Short Answer (10 POINTS EACH) 1. Use the Reed-Frost formula to calculate how long it will probably take for Kelly to wind up destitute and riddled with venereal disease (round to the nearest year). 2. According to Dante, which concentric circle of Hell is Kelly most likely to end up in? 3. If Kelly had an affair with Zeus, what kind of animal do you think Hera would turn her into? 4. How long do you think Kelly would last in a fair fight with the author of this exam? 5. What if Kelly were blindfolded? 6. What do you suppose Kelly was telling her therapist all that time? Can you even imagine? Essay (15 POINTS EACH—CHOOSE TWO) Heraclitus tells us that Pittacus, when he had Alcaeus in his power, released him, saying, "Forgiveness is better than revenge." Demonstrate how, in Kelly's case, this philosophy is a complete load of crap. Write a 500-word essay detailing why, for the good of the general public, Kelly should be trapped and humanely euthanized. Use the ethical theory of deontology to briefly describe how you would respond if Kelly had an affair with your husband. Use the theory of utilitarianism to describe how you would silence any witnesses. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Midterm Exam on Kelly, the Woman With Whom My Husband Had an Affair By Susan Schorn My Therapist Goes to Dinner By Matt Passet Trouble Report From the GUSSSSB (Government of the United States Secret Smithsonian Storage Building) By Andrew Bridgman Trailer for the Beer-oes Season 1 DVD Release By Michael J. Weingarth I'm 16 and Ready to Cope With Prostate Disease By Mike Fowler

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