You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

ALAN GREENSPAN'S EBAY AUCTIONS. BY ROSS BROWN - - - - Item number: 13013759820285 Used HP 10B2 calculator Starting bid: $29.99 Description: Excellent calculator with reverse-Polish-notation entry, clear LCD screen, and reliable keys. Bidders are advised that although calculations on this device have historically proven accurate, a modicum of restraint should be used in making decisions based on its outcomes, as past performance is not a reliable indicator of future performance. Black. - - - - Item number: 13015445626455 "Hello Kitty" coffee-table book Starting bid: $45.21 Description: A book of marginal utility with an increasing value curve due to contrived scarcity and market demand. The book contains photographs of an idealized cat with anthropomorphic qualities. It was given to me by my great-niece on the occasion of my 75th birthday. The value of the book as calculated using a common Black-Scholes model is given as the starting bid, but irrational exuberance among the 8-to-24-year-old demographic of females, especially of Asian descent, could push the market price for this publication higher. I advise caution. However, this may turn out to be a fine investment if the market for this type of artistry remains strong, which may or may not happen, depending on the vagaries of taste and supply. How do we know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated asset values? ... We should not underestimate, or become complacent about, the complexity of the interactions of asset markets and the economy. - - - - Item number: 130137554854744 Atlas Shrugged—signed by the author, Ayn Rand Starting bid: $451.00 Description: Finally finished the damn novel. It dragged on with much repetition. No longer care who John Galt is. - - - - Item number: 130154584455845 Leather folio briefcase Starting bid: $49.95 Description: As seen on CNBC's "Greenspan Watch." Brown leather case that was used to carry my papers. Andrea suggested I sell it and replace it with a nice Jack Spade bag now that I am in the private sector. Winning bidder also gets an autographed copy of my "Market Economies and the Rule of Law" speech, given at the 2003 Financial Markets Conference of the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta, so hurry up and bid early! - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Alan Greenspan's eBay Auctions By Ross Brown Patents I Have Sought, and Failed, to Obtain By Eric Feezell Steroids Are Ruining the Comics Page By Jim Stallard Tom Wolfe Reviews Entourage By Blair Becker Introducing Millard Kaufman

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