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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
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LSAT PRACTICE.BY SHAUN SPALDING- - - - A concerned father drops three boys (Peter, Dom, and Björn), three girls (Henrietta, Elaine, and Meghan), and his daughter (Lorelei) off at the local mall's theater. He wants to know which one of the boys will be making out with his daughter during the movie. He knows that each of the eighth-graders will make out at least once but not more than twice before the movie ends. He also knows that the following conditions must apply:
- - - - 1. If Lorelei goes to get popcorn and is forced to sit between Dom and Meghan during the previews, which of the following must be true? (a) Peter makes out with Elaine. (b) Björn makes out with Elaine. (c) Henrietta talks to Dom awkwardly about world-geography class to avoid his advances. (d) Lorelei is unable to take the sexual tension between Dom and Meghan and pretends she needs to go to the bathroom so she can switch seats. (e) Lorelei's father is worried his daughter is growing up too fast. - - - - 2. Meghan purposely spills her drink on Henrietta so Henrietta can't make out with Björn. Which of the following must be true? (a) Peter is confused about his sexuality and decides not to make out with Elaine. (b) Björn makes out with Lorelei, pretending she's Elaine. (c) Meghan sends eight dollars' worth of text messages to Peter after Henrietta plays a cruel trick on her by telling her Peter likes her. (d) Dom gets jealous of Peter and Björn but does nothing about it, deciding it's better to just write about it in his LiveJournal when he gets home. (e) Lorelei's father thinks Henrietta is a bad influence. - - - - 3. Earlier that day, if the store clerk at Hot Topic had been paying attention instead of getting high in the stockroom, which of the following would he have noticed first? (a) Peter sneaking away from Elaine to try on a girls'-small Good Charlotte tank top. (b) Henrietta unsuccessfully trying to make a deal with the other clerk to buy her cigarettes if she showed him her thong. (c) Meghan looking hopeless, listlessly trying to decide between a Fall Out Boy hoodie and a Panic! At the Disco hoodie. (d) Dom misconstruing Meghan's hopelessness for sexual frustration. (e) Lorelei's new iPhone, engraved "Daddy's Little Girl," which her father bought for her when her parents got divorced and he won custody. - - - - 4. Henrietta wants the girls to walk to the theater in order from prettiest to ugliest. Which of the following must occur if Henrietta chooses the order? (a) Peter hangs back, unwilling to stomach the inevitable confrontation. (b) Elaine volunteers to be last so Peter can check her out without anyone else getting in the way. (c) Henrietta reminds the group about the "Princess"-themed party she's having on Friday, which she invited the entire class to except Meghan. (d) Dom receives his daily joke-of-the-day text message, which he subscribed to after watching a commercial on MTV that said it would make him funnier. (e) Lorelei's mother mistakenly leaves a passive-aggressive voicemail message about "trust" on Lorelei's phone instead of on her father's. - - - - 5. If Elaine makes out with Peter first, which of the following must be true? (a) Peter still desperately wants to make out with Björn even though their bet from earlier is over. (b) Elaine will not talk to Lorelei anymore until Lorelei explains why she made out with Björn, because Elaine is "almost his girlfriend," but Lorelei can't understand that because she's never been in an open relationship before. (c) Henrietta sneaks into an R-rated movie with her 10th-grade boyfriend, who biked over to the theater from the apartment complex across the street. (d) Dom and Meghan have a heart-to-heart about their mutual insecurities and realize they have a lot in common. (e) Lorelei's father can't take it anymore and jumps in his Ford Windstar to pick them up early. - - - - Answer Key 1. d - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - LSAT Practice By Shaun SpaldingCuster's Last Letter By Peter Krinke Alan Greenspan's eBay Auctions By Ross Brown Patents I Have Sought, and Failed, to Obtain By Eric Feezell Steroids Are Ruining the Comics Page By Jim Stallard |
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