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The deadline for the 2008 Amanda Davis Highwire Fiction Award, a $2,500 grant given to a woman writer of 32 years or younger, is this Thursday, May 15. For more information, click here.

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WERNER HERZOG AS
GUEST PUNDIT ON THE
VH1 TELEVISION SERIES
BEST WEEK EVER.

BY MICHEL DUCHAMPBUFFET

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The Writers Guild of America Strike

The Writer is Divine Creation made manifest in a World of Mortal Sin. His Divinity, however, is of a Secular Divergency: there is no room for God in a Universe whose only Organizing Principle is Murder and Decay. He has been Sacrificed by the Heathens of an Amoral Paradox. In the Ruins of the Battleground of Creation lie the Tarnished Remains of Zingers Flogged and Tortured, of Timeless Quips Raped and Pillaged by the Emblems of our Spiritual Assassination: YouTube and Google Video.


The Success of the
Teen-Pregnancy-Grappling
Film Juno

The Phenomenon of Pregnancy creates in the Physiognomy of the Host the Epitome of humanity's Displaced Cannibalistic Desires: one believes oneself to be engaging in the act of Creation, only to discover, behind the Blinding Cloak of Elation, the Insidious Mask of Suicide. One need not be reminded of the Mating Habits of the Appalachian Dung Beetle to realize that Pregnancy is merely an act of Self-Immolation, veiled by the Momentary Pleasure of Copulation so as to dispel the one Elemental Truth of Human Existence: that we are provoked not by the desire for Preservation but rather by the need for Destruction. Inside the uterine wall lie the foundations of the Chaos on which our Universe has been constructed. The mother Creates so as to be Devoured by her Creation. As the mother feeds and cares for her child, it is only in the most Fathomless Depths of her Psyche that she realizes that she is preparing herself for her own inevitable Murder, the Murderer being the very child she has reared.


The Latest R. Kelly Video

As Saturn did, so, too, does our Depraved Quest for Disengagement with a Universe Founded Upon Murder and Chaos Devour its offspring: as we wait anxiously to suckle upon the Gangrenous Fruit of Perceived Meaningfulness, we feign surprise at finding ourselves already between the Famished Lips of the Desolate Paternalism of Anarchy and Dismay. But it is not Pain that we experience; it is a Disembodied Delight, a Howl from the Lungs of Death, who embraces us, as would a father, as we descend into our Graves of Earthly Pleasure.


Amy Winehouse's Latest Gaffe

It is not childhood that we aspire to; it is an Idealized State of Impoverished Ignorance. Childhood is a Ghastly Period immured by a fascination with Death and Destruction. Ignorance is gained with knowledge: the further we separate ourselves from the Underlying and Unrelenting Murder That Underscores the Universe, the further we separate ourselves from our childhoods. It is only by embracing Anarchic Chaos that we can embrace our Natural, Vernal State.


Sanjaya

Oh, that is So Six Months Ago.

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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:

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Werner Herzog as Guest Pundit on the VH1 Television Series Best Week Ever By Michel Duchampbuffet
A Family Member of a Henchman Killed by Jack Bauer on 24 Remembers By John Moe
Together in Perfect Harmony: An Earth Ball Laments the Distortions of Sean Hannity By Ben Greenman
Toward a Sustainable Margaritaville By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson
The Girls of The Hills Visit Iraq By Wendy Molyneux

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STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

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KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

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ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

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ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

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JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

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MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

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