We're ringing in the New Year with a sale: most things in our store are 20 to 30 percent off. - - - - |
BY JASON SILVERSTEIN- - - - "Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama has not accepted Joe the Plumber's friend request on Facebook. We know he's logged on, because we saw he changed his status on Monday. On Tuesday, he joined the group Art Historians Are Saucy. But he still won't accept Joe the Plumber's friend request. He knows it's Joe. Joe uses the screen shot of the two of them together as his profile picture. That's not a uniter. That's the same old liberal-elite politics as usual." - - - - "Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama talks during movies. During a recent screening of The Dark Knight, Barack Obama irritated several pro-America patrons when he echoed the famous 'Why so serious?' line to his wife, Michelle, who hasn't always been proud of being an American, much like the Joker. He'll raise his voice over Heath Ledger's. And he'll raise your taxes. That's why I'm so serious, my friends, about your vote on November 4." - - - - "Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama doesn't use his turn signal when he merges onto a freeway. I mean, seriously, who the hell does this guy think he is? He just goes. It's not even like he attempts to fit in. And I'm not talking lone-wolf maverick style, either. I mean, this is the kind of driving that gets people killed. Much like the bombs of Bill Ayers that could have killed countless Americans. That's not change, my friends. That's the same old Washington politics as usual." - - - - "Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama always Super-Sizes at McDonald's but then orders—get this—a Diet Coke. Who do you think you're kidding, Barack? Cutting calories in one part of your meal doesn't cut the calories for all of it. Just like your tax plan. Washington's spending has gotten obese with earmarks, and one Diet Coke isn't going to fix it. Barack the wealth spender is washing down his Big Macs with some 'pinko' Kool-Aid. Not the leader America needs." - - - - "Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama won't stop repeating those stupid Chuck Norris facts. For example, before the third debate, Barack opened a bag of Lay's potato chips. My friends, I knew what was coming. I've been tested. It was either a Chuck Norris joke or a Seinfeld double dip. John McCain gets it. Chuck Norris can only eat one. But don't be fooled. Barack Obama was just pandering to the Florida vote. But you need to know that Barack Obama was for the cancellation of Walker, Texas Ranger before he was against it. And he also hates Everybody Loves Raymond. That's not reaching across the aisle. That's changing the channel on small-town American values. Not on John McCain's dial." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - McCain's Rejected Robo-Call Scripts By Jason SilversteinNaked Came the Beagle—Chapter One: The Big Grief By Matthew David Brozik A Whole Foods Manager Introduces a New Product to His Customers By John Frank Weaver Mom's And Dad's Campaign Statements By Gregory Beyer World of Warcraft vs. My Girlfriend By Tyler Curry |
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