EXCERPTS FROM
THE AERIAL HUNTER'S
COOKBOOK.
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Côte de Wolf
Take a single-engine plane (a crop duster will work) and fly around the mountains until you find some wolves. If you get to the coast and can see Russia, you've flown too far.
Buzz down low to the surface and scare the wolf pack with the noise from the aircraft. Pick out the weakest-looking wolf and chase it around until it's exhausted. Hit him with a few blasts from your shotgun until he's gone.
Preheat oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit.
Place wolf meat, vegetable oil, haricots verts, chervil, thyme, carrots, and shallots (locally grown) in a pan. Heat in oven until done.
Sauce the wolf with the wolf reduction. Serve.
Wolfy Joes
This one can only be done via helicopter. Find your target wolf and buzz it until he's exhausted from running and lies down.
Have your pilot hover at a radius of 25 yards off your target, at a height of at least 30 feet. Drop your rope ladder over the side of the aircraft and climb down it until you reach the bottom rung. DO NOT TOUCH THE GROUND.
Suspend yourself upside down from the bottom rung of the rope ladder, using your lower legs for leverage.
Punch the wolf in the face until he's gone.
Simmer wolf in a large pan with onions, peppers, garlic powder, mustard, ketchup, brown sugar, and salt. Spoon out onto toasted hamburger buns. Serves a family of eight, including your daughter's teenage fiancé.
Kung Pao Wolf
Fly your aircraft up in the mountains again, find a beta target, and chase him around until his tongue's wagging.
Get out your megaphone. Tell the wolf about how your golden retriever is relaxing by the fireplace at your house, watching NHL Center Ice on HDTV, because he plays by the rules and knows his place. Tell the wolf about the fat men in shopping-mall food courts who wear T-shirts with airbrushed pictures of him on them, and how he should be ashamed. Tell him that he and his kind are taking up too much space, and that when the end days are upon us the millions of people from around the world that make their way here for salvation will not move out of the way for some four-legged dipshit that won't even come when you call his name.
Fire a couple of rounds, drop the rope ladder, suspend yourself upside down, then strangle the wolf until he's gone.
Heat a wok over medium-high flame. Add 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil. When the oil is hot, add the wolf meat. Stir-fry until meat is pink, then add garlic, chili peppers, Sichuan peppercorns, chopped peanuts, and onion. Serve hot.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Excerpts From The Aerial Hunter's Cookbook By Sid Popson
The Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life—A Few Mini-Games From Level III: "Your Adolescence" By Christopher Monks
The Audacity of Despair By Teddy Wayne
McCain's Rejected Robo-Call Scripts By Jason Silverstein
Naked Came the Beagle—Chapter One: The Big Grief By Matthew David Brozik
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