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GOSSIP GORILLA.BY TOM GLIATTO- - - - What Bengal tiger doesn't want you to know that he used to work with Siegfried and Roy in Las Vegas? ... The python has gone on the Zone diet—didn't like the portions on Jenny Craig. Whatever she tries, it's better than when she was doing the coffee enemas ... You've been wondering why a certain lady giraffe is always hiding behind a tree. I'll tell you why. Now that she's of a certain age, as they say, she's ashamed of the way her neck is wrinkling. Heard it from the tapir, and if there's anyone you can trust it's a tapir ... Question going around: Why is the leopard's fur so mangy? It looks like shag carpet in a porn movie ... OK, you know how the elephants Bilbo and Nimrod are best buddies since infancy? Then they get to a certain age and they start walking around holding trunks and blowing on each others' ears and hosing down each other in the fountain? Maybe it was puberty, everyone figured. Now they're putting their coconuts into a joint account. They've exchanged peanuts. The guys say it's no big deal, that it's spiritual, like Oprah and Gayle. All I know is, you haven't seen the elephant elders so worked up since Dumbo's mother had her breakdown ... The chimpanzees, Mabel and Mack? They think intelligent design is when you push a button in your cage and you automatically get an oatmeal cookie through the food slot ... Today's wisdom is from Coquette the meerkat: "You live in a zoo, the only natural predator you got to worry about is yourself. My brother gnawed off his own foot, and now he's got the sepsis. Why'd he do it? We'll never know. He doesn't know. But now he's got the sepsis." ... Here's why you zookeepers trained yours truly, Miss Opposable Thumbs, to text-message, whereas you give the polar bears a plastic milk carton to turn over and over like it's a Rubik's Cube. Mimsy the polar bear complains she's losing sleep over global warming—she's scared she's going to melt. This is the same genius who rejected her cub because she didn't recognize it as a baby—she freaked and thought it was Mini-Me ... The zebra is off to the vets, I hear. Ingrown stripes ... Those aren't crocodile tears leaking out of the crocodiles' eyes: With the market tanking, they've got as much chance to build equity in that fancy new reptile house as they do to eat the foot off Michael Phelps ... The penguins started out marching. Next thing you know, they're running in formation. Then they're goose-stepping. And now George Stephanopoulos reports they're lobbying to meet Hugo Chávez. And you ask me what is it I have against penguins! ... Advice to Hilly the lemur: Your friends are sick of you and your "I am the missing link" shtick. The only thing missing is your marbles ... The toucan finally figured out the $64,000 question. You know the melody the kiwi is always massacring? Everyone thought it might be "Born Free." Wrong. "I Believe I Can Fly." Cute or pathetic? You decide ... Weekends, Glenda and Joey, the llamas, work at the petting zoo down the street. Nothing to be ashamed of, right, being petted? ... Spotted at the baboons' party last night: baboons! ... Kimba the cougar gums his meat ... Liz Smith came by today, tried to bribe me with a banana. Sorry, honey, I don't share sources. And next time try an oatmeal cookie. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Gossip Gorilla By Tom GliattoBJÖRK: The Great Underground Musician Adventure By Sung J. Woo Atlas Shrugged Updated for the Current Financial Crisis By Jeremiah Tucker From Machiavelli's The Jonas Brother By Jack Stuef Selections From My 2008 Fall Catalog By Amy Halloran |
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