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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK OF CALAMITOUS PARENTING: MANDATORY VOLUNTEERING. BY DAVID STALLER - - - - DAD: It's time you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. Besides, making you suffer the same forced generosity that my parents inflicted on me, well, that's just how catharsis works. SON: I love helping the less fortunate, Dad, but—and perhaps this is a prejudice of my own—a soup kitchen full of schizophrenics sets my alarm bells ringing. DAD: I never said you had to volunteer at a soup kitchen, Son. I just thought that hot soup and slippery linoleum were good character builders. But if there's some other place you'd rather volunteer I'd be happy to discuss the implausibility of your choice. SON: What if I worked for a peace organization? DAD: Is that something you'd like to do? SON: Yes. DAD: Then no. SON: What about an internship? DAD: Are there scary-looking homeless people at this fantasy internship of yours? Because the word "volunteer" comes from the Latin word voluntarius, which translates into "If I'm not in danger, I'm probably not helping anyone but myself." SON: Do you remember when I'd do something wrong and you'd pull out your old medical books and tell me to pick a number? DAD: I do. SON: Then you'd turn to the corresponding page and say, "Ohh! You picked a good one: elephantiasis!" You'd point to a guy whose eyes were concealed by a black strip but who undoubtedly got recognized at parties by his basketball-sized scrotum and the wheelbarrow that contained it. DAD: If you're thinking about volunteering to be the wheelbarrow, then I think that's a wonderful idea! SON: Actually, I was just imagining how great it will be when I have kids of my own. DAD: Son, you have no idea. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Excerpt From The Book of Calamitous Parenting: Mandatory Volunteering By David Staller I Wonder What They're Saying in Bon Jovi's Preconcert Prayer Circle By Dan Kennedy Revising and Extending My Thank-You Remarks to My Wedding Guests During These Times of Economic Crisis By Gary Rudoren Nineteenth-Century Magic Secrets Revealed By Will Bailey A Couple of People, a Couple of Problems By Bob Woodiwiss

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL