THE GUTENBERG
CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE,
1608.
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No matter whether we be pilgrims or lepers, we all love a good read. And now that those endless months of finding and pickling fruit for the Christmas pudding have paid off, why not treat yourself—or your master—to a new book from Gutenberg House? Our books have drawn raves from kings, everymen, and Joseph the Raver alike.
Tremble with choice at the wide range of works in our complete catalogue. Behold!
The Alchemist
BY ANONYMOUS
Our all-time bestseller! Seek your treasure. Package includes 8-ounce ball of lead with which to get started.
The World Is Flat
BY ANONYMOUS
An excerpt: "As I recline on a plank made in East Lancaster, writing with a quill made in North-East Lancaster, tracing these very words with ink from my neighbour's cat, it hits me: We are all part of the same amazing porridge."
Recommended for readers who enjoyed Anonymous's Guns, Germs, and Steel: A Strategick Proposal. Enjoy a 10 percent discount if you preorder the author's forthcoming sequel, I Insist, the World Really Is Flat.
The Da Vinci Code
BY ANONYMOUS
Might the mysterious shapes Leonardo da Vinci drew inside the breech-cloth areas of his human figures be more than just hilarious squiggles?
Eatf, Shootf, and Leavef
BY ANONYMOUS
Expreff yourfelf clearly in newly ftandardised Englifh. Now available in convenient whaleboneback!
Gutenberg Presents the Holy Bible
AS TOLD TO ANONYMOUS
(A Gutenberg House Exclusive)
Unexpurgated text includes words too spicy for King James. Sure to become an essential item on every shelf, along with the yarn-ball and Warren's Encyclopaedia of Tights. Deluxe bicentennial edition includes a foreword by the Lord Himself.
The South Bruges Diet
BY ANONYMOUS
Anxious to add precious starch to your diet? Five-plus recipes inside will have you stewing up a maelstrom. Coming soon: translations for non-Latin speakers.
The 104-Hour Workweek
BY ANONYMOUS
What if we told you that you could go carping in the Thames, win a jig contest in Switzerland, and toss dwarves in Vienna, all while your turnips grow rapidly at home? Before you brand us for false prophecy, read this book. It will teach you how to, among other things:
- Outsource your life, using the magic of peasants
- Make hereditary power work for you
- Retire at 15
A Time to Kill
BY ANONYMOUS
An excerpt: "A shot rang out sometime around autumn. Some weeks later, a man lay dying."
While a town full of witnesses blames Lord Hugh the Murderer, brilliant young lawyer-barber Mitch Becket thinks a certain serf might have more interesting information. If only Mitch could get his hands on the right torture device ...
Dulcimer for Morons
BY ANONYMOUS
Master the old trapezoid with lessons so simple even John of Hanover could follow them. Also available: Be a Guitar Angel.
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Our deepest gratitude and submission to you, Your Worship, for reading our catalogue. Be sure to check back with us next decade for more titles!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Gutenberg Christmas Catalogue, 1608 By Sigmund Stern
Recreational Jewish Youth Basketball: An Ethnography By Andrew Ian Lipstein
The Stick, Recently Inducted Into the Toy Hall of Fame, Is Now Available at Amazon.com By Ralph Gamelli
Excerpt From The Book of Calamitous Parenting: Mandatory Volunteering By David Staller
I Wonder What They're Saying in Bon Jovi's Preconcert Prayer Circle By Dan Kennedy
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