Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

- - - -

Millard Kaufman's final novel has arrived!
Pick up Misadventure now—or, see what
you've missed out on thus far by picking up
both Bowl of Cherries and Misadventure
for 27% off the retail price.

- - - -

A CLASSIFIED AD
FROM A DYNAMIC
STUDENT LOOKING
TO HARNESS SYNERGY
AND INNOVATE 24/7.

BY ZACH LENANE

- - - -

I'm a dynamic student looking to express my creativity and individual uniqueness through a remedial summertime position at your company / Internet pyramid scheme. I'm committed to raising the bar and achieving absolute excellence and innovation by utilizing unique, out-of-the-box thinking and harnessing my own dynamic synergy. Moreover, by channeling my productive energies and maintaining unflagging dedication and diligence 24/7, I come second to none in providing visionary business solutions for our modern world. We all know a penny saved is a penny earned, but what's an opportunity lost? If you help me help you by allowing me to join you and your positive-thinking, inventive, and kinetic work force, you'll never have to find out—instead, you'll win the professionally strategized solutions I provide within a harmoniously prioritized environmental framework!

- - - -

OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:

- - - -

A Classified Ad From a Dynamic Student Looking to Harness Synergy and Innovate 24/7 By Zach Lenane
Butterball Help-Line Help-Line By Alysia Gray Painter
A Free Copy of My Religion Pamphlet By William Tracy
Gossip Gorilla By Tom Gliatto
BJÖRK: The Great Underground Musician Adventure By Sung J. Woo

- - - -

MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES

- - - -



Memories of Amanda Davis

- - - -




Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

- - - -



McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS

NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY
TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE


GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER

GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY

THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER

OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION

DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS


REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE

LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX

NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR
AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS


CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ

SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW

DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL
TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY


E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT
FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM


JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA

SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S
THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE
IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA


ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD

ABOUT THE WILD THINGS

ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT

ABOUT FEVER CHART

ABOUT GOD SAYS NO

ABOUT ZEITOUN

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL