IF YOU GIVE
THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT
$700 BILLION.
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If you give the federal government $700 billion, it will just ask for more.
When you say you're not sure about more and ask what the money will be used for, the federal government will stamp its foot, tell you you're too dumb to figure it out, and then ask you for a handkerchief to cry in because it now hates you.
The handkerchief will remind it of the golden parachutes Wall Street executives need to survive.
The newly minted golden executives will want to thank the federal government by having a party and throwing money around.
The federal government will invite them to Washington for the party.
Washington will surprise the federal government and the executives with throngs of people holding torches and pitchforks and electronic voting machines.
These throngs will make the federal government rethink its golden friends and hold hearings instead.
The word "hearings" will remind the federal government that it is old and needs to go get its ears checked.
The federal government will make an appointment with an ear specialist.
The appointment will be canceled because there was no referral.
The referral will be obtained after the federal government spends four hours on the phone with the assholes at the insurance company.
The ear-check appointment will be made for six months in the future because that's the only time the federal government can be worked in, even after trying to talk dirty to the doctors' office's angry receptionist.
Talking dirty to the receptionist will make the federal government think of how it was screwed over by the Wall Street executives.
It will ask for a handkerchief to use to stuff in its ears so that it won't have to listen to the angry mob shouting, "I told you so, dipshits!"
The sight of all the fat people in the crowd will make the federal government think of its coveted high-fructose-corn-syrup subsidies.
The word "corn" will make the federal government think of the word "ears" and it will remember it has that appointment coming up.
And if the federal government has to go to the ear-doctor appointment and pay the specialist co-pay plus pay a 50 percent out-of-network fee plus pay for nongeneric ear drugs ...
Well, chances are, the federal government will have to fork over $700 billion.
And then it will ask you for more.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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