GREETED
AT THE DOOR.
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Hey, welcome back ... come in and sit down ... did you have a good trip? ... I missed you so much ... no, no, you don't have to thank me—I was happy to housesit for you ... what are girlfriends for? ... well, sure, I was a little sad I didn't get to go to Doral ... I've never golfed, no, but maybe I'll learn ... that sounds great, top regional manager, I'm so proud of you ... it was a little lonely, mostly TV and cereal and magazines ... oh, of course, go get changed, I'll be right here ... what? ... oh, that ... yeah, I meant to tell you about that ... it's from your cat ... I think it's vomit ... wait, it's bloody? ... I thought it was normal old vomit ... I guess I first noticed it last Friday ... no, Thursday ... yeah, Thursday, I'm sure, because that was the day I went to the party at the hotel, and as I was going out, the cat jumped up on me, and I was wearing this tiny skirt, and the cat scratched my leg way high up on my thigh ... I know how it might have happened, come to think of it ... that night, when I got back from the hotel and the club, I was pretty wide awake but tired at the same time and I might have left some things out on the table that the cat might have gotten into ... not alcohol, no, of course not ... but there was some coke and some trail mix out on the table ... not real trail mix ... I know that peanuts are dangerous for Ivan ... "trail mix" is what they call it when you grind up Ecstasy and Viagra ... well, Javier was over ... you remember Javier, right, my ex? ... yeah, he's the one whose boat I was on last summer when the Coast Guard was called ... I told you that story, right?—about how the cutter pulled up alongside his boat and I wasn't wearing a thing and Javy stood up all cool-like and said, "Just having a meal, gentlemen" ... OK, I agree, it's a little gross, but I'm just saying that he was great at thinking on his feet ... anyway, he went back to Colombia, because his father was facing trial on corruption charges, totally trumped up ... we broke up in August when he had to go back, and then he was here and there through September, but the last time I saw him was November ... wait, what? ... you and I started dating in October? ... oh, well, then, that must have been when Javier and I broke up, before Halloween, sure, because I spent Halloween with you ... yeah, the Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes you bought were great ... no, I don't think they were too corny ... but let me finish this story about your cat ... so when Javy came over he was with this other girl, a real skank ... I shouldn't slam her too hard, though, because it was her coke ... I think she thought he was going to take her home, but instead he just let her mess around with him a little bit and then he suggested that the three of us spend some time together, not seriously, just to scare her off ... she left right after that, and left some of her coke and some Ecstasy, too, and he had the Viagra on him, and we made the trail mix ... it was for me, honestly ... Viagra does too have some effect on women ... it's all about blood flow, you know, and, trust me, it works ... but my point is that we weren't even in the living room for much of the night and there might have been some trail mix left out on the table and the cat might have gotten into it ... to be honest, when we all got here that night, at 3 or whatever, I wasn't even sure the cat was here ... I called him, but he didn't come ... but even if he was here then, he may have escaped soon after that, because Javy left the bedroom window open just after we got in ... he wanted to smoke weed and I wouldn't let him do it inside, because the smell just makes me want it, and I'm off weed for a little while ... then we went to the living room and put all the shit out on the table, and maybe I was less careful than I should have been, because I didn't even know if the cat was in the apartment ... about an hour later, Javy and I were talking and talking, a mile a minute ... you know: coke ... so we were totally tweaking, and, at some point, your neighbor across the way started yelling that we were making too much noise, and I yelled back at her, and I must have startled the cat, because he ran out from under the table ... it scared me, because I didn't know what it was at first ... I thought maybe a roach, since I hadn't taken the garbage out since the day before you left ... anyway, I was so relieved to see the cat ... a little while later, I walked Javier out ... I know exactly what time it was, because when I came back up I saw that he had left his watch and I had to call him and tell him ... I asked him if he could come back and get it and he said he couldn't and we had a little fight and I started crying ... I mean, how could I ever have felt anything for someone who makes me cry at 6:30 in the morning? ... then I went to take a shower and I did a line on the bathroom counter, just one to calm myself down, and on my way back to the bedroom to sleep off the night before, that's when I noticed this little puddle of whatever it was where I'd seen the cat standing before ... anyway, it's almost time for food, don't you think? ... I had too much pizza when you were gone, but there's that new Japanese place that's supposed to be excellent ... expensive, sure, but come on, I mean, you just got home ... can you also pick up a six-pack and a bottle of wine? ... thank you so much ... you're the best boyfriend ... did you bring me anything?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Greeted at the Door By Ben Greenman
So You Want to Be President?: Scripts for Negative Political Advertisements Offered to the Candidates Free of Charge By John Warner
Observational Notes for the Veterinarian Regarding My Dog Hank By Jon Methven
Interviews With the Stars: Cell-Phone Pocket-Dial Edition By Jory John and Mac Barnett
Open-Mike Night, 1:15 A.M. By Mike Sacks
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