REVIEWS
OF A STRUGGLING
ACTOR'S FIRST THREE
BANK HEISTS.
- - - -
First National Bank
ROCHESTER, NEW YORK
APRIL 2, 2008
"What a performance! Even though he had a gun and told us to lie down and stare at the floor and not look at him—or else!—it was impossible to not follow his every move and give two thumbs up!"
—Customer
"We've been robbed I can't tell you how many times, but this thief's inspired performance really made this one special."
—Teller
"He was a one-man Bonnie and Clyde, wielding Warren Beatty's panache
and style, and a touch of Faye Dunaway's glamour to keep you intrigued. This heist was very, very entertaining and very, very real: he took us for $24,812!"
—Branch manager
"A robbery of the highest order. This one is for the ages. Bravo!"
—Rochester Democrat and Chronicle editorial board
"We're happy that no one was shot or killed."
—Police sergeant
Commerce Bank
ROCHESTER, NEW YORK
APRIL 5, 2008
"Brilliant and unexpected, like using a change-counting machine at the opera, or hearing a loan officer soliloquize about why my home-refinancing loan will be approved."
—Customer
"The overall effect was impressive, although this actor's mania led
him to take every cent from the institution, including a bag of change
from a 6-year-old."
—Customer
"I carried a lucky quarter for 28 years, determined to use it only in
an emergency. When I saw this deft, charismatic actor in action, I
knew who would receive my quarter. It was fate. And I am happy he did
not maim or kill me. Good show!"
—Account representative
"I feel lucky to be alive—this was a very life-affirming armed robbery."
—Customer
"Most times, robbers steal our cash. Rarely do they also steal our
hearts. Our bank team really fell big for this guy. We welcome the
return of the robber we've taken to calling Rob!"
—Branch manager
Wachovia Bank
ROCHESTER, NEW YORK
APRIL 7, 2008
"In terms of acting, it was Ocean's Eleven meets Ocean's Twelve
meets Ocean's Thirteen—and then fork over all your cash."
—Teller
"As surely as he stole our daily deposits and our savings, he has also swiped our hearts. Huzzah!"
—Customer
"As I lay on the floor with my hands above my head, I kept thinking, 'I love my wife. I love my daughter. I want to see them again.' The robbery really reminded me of what's important in life."
—Customer
"His conservative charcoal suit and elementary pistol were more awkward than I'd expected. But he made it work—he got away with $15,300."
—Teller
"Sheer, disorienting brilliance that left the mind reeling and the vaults empty."
—Branch manager
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Reviews of a Struggling Actor's First Three Bank Heists By Matthew Summers-Sparks
Other Dangerous Historical Events Hillary Clinton Experienced as First Lady By Nick Ripatrazone
The Most Dangerous Game: New Times, New Rules By Ralph Gamelli
Underground America
The Monroe Family Bed Wishes to Die By John Jodzio
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