FILM SCHOOL IN THREE LINES OR LESS. BY BEN JOSEPH - - - - Citizen Kane CHARLES FOSTER KANE: I'm dying now. I miss my childhood. REPORTER: Wealth and power have truly made you an asshole. WORKER: No one cares if I burn this sled, right? The Deer Hunter ROBERT DE NIRO: Russian roulette is a precarious and dangerous game. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: One could almost compare it to our nation's current situation in Vietnam. (Both turn and stare at camera for three hours.) West Side Story TONY: Cinema has a long literary tradition. This one's based on Shakespeare. MARIA: Just like that Amanda Bynes movie! TONY: (Sigh.) Let's just dance-fight. The Graduate BEN: Now that I'm done with college, I don't know who I am. MRS. ROBINSON: Cougar bait? BEN: Eh, that was fun, but I want to give the next-gen model a spin. The Philadelphia Story CARY GRANT: Sex in the 1940s took place entirely in the form of witty banter. KATHARINE HEPBURN: Indubitably. The Godfather THE GODFATHER: Family is really important, and, um ... Wait, did you even see all these movies? ME: Yes. Maybe. There were nap breaks. ALL MY FILM PROFESSORS: You are a horrible, horrible person. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Film School in Three Lines or Less By Ben Joseph Reviews of a Struggling Actor's First Three Bank Heists By Matthew Summers-Sparks Other Dangerous Historical Events Hillary Clinton Experienced as First Lady By Nick Ripatrazone The Most Dangerous Game: New Times, New Rules By Ralph Gamelli Underground America

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