THE 12 LABORS
OF GAY HERCULES.
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1.
Come out to your loved ones in a way that is honest, unreserved, and will not kill your mother or emotionally cripple your father. Also, avoid the temptation to retort when Zeus says "Two? In my own family?" and shifts his eyes to Athena, goddess of wisdom. Later, in private, encourage Ares to follow your lead.
2.
When a well-meaning clan chief offers you the hand of his daughter in gratitude for cleansing his kingdom of wicked giants, find a way to decline politely. Also, try to cut him off before he begins to recite his exalted lineage in reply—and do so in a way that doesn't involve you saying, "Yeah, yeah, I was born of Zeus, too, pal."
3.
Commit to nonviolent protest of the "Don't ask the oracle, don't listen to the singer of tales" policy practiced by my fellow Argonauts. When they reply "Only those fully of mortals born lie with other men, Hercules!" (and they will), point out the obvious example of Achilles. That should shut them up.
4.
Write reply to the ignoramuses on that Internet message board, explaining that just because your name means "glory of Hera" doesn't mean that you're feminine, and how many helldogs do you have to capture, anyway, to prove it?
5.
This summer, engage in no more drinking contests with Dionysus. They make you bitchy and oath-breaking. Remember what happened with Prince Hylas at that lyre concert?
6.
Find a lion skin that makes you look less fat.
7.
Keep patience when some well-meaning Athenian bursts out, "Oh, so you must like Aristophanes' Will and the Graces!" Explain exactly why Aristophanes' play is offensive, and that, by all of the caverns of Hades, there are some things that even jackals would not laugh at, things that would only amuse a wine-bellied satyr fool.
8.
Do not panic about nearing 45 and not having settled down. Remember why you left the bar scene.
9.
Put aside dislike of the Amazons at this summer's Hercules-Hippolyta-Hermes-Tiresias roundtable. We're all on the same side. Hippolyta forgave you for that girdle-looting business, so do not sigh when she brings up Angelina Jolie. Again. Without unity, the community will be as weak as Antaeus was when you lifted him off his Mother Earth and crushed him.
10.
Explain in agora why the Pantheonist position of "Love the hero, hate the daemon" is such an amphoraful of shit.
11.
Learn to wrestle angry, giant bears—of both kinds.
12.
When cleansing the world of monsters to make the earth safe and habitable for humanity, remember that prejudice is the greatest monster of all.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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