THE OPENING ACT
FROM THE ORIGINAL,
UNUSED TELEPLAY
OF LOST'S PILOT
EPISODE.
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JACK: OK, everyone, gather round. I'm Jack. We crashed on this island. I'm kind of an alcoholic, and I had a really complicated relationship with my father, Christian, who was also an alcoholic.
CLAIRE: Christian Shepherd? That's my dad, too!
JACK: No way!
SAWYER: Oh, yeah, I know that guy, too. I met him at a bar. He's proud of you.
JACK: You met my dad?
SAWYER: Yeah, I met him right before I killed this guy I thought had ruined my life as a child. He was a con man who went by "Sawyer" and had an affair with my mother and then my dad found out and killed her and himself. It was ugly.
LOCKE: No way! That sounds just like my dad! He stole my kidney and then paralyzed me.
KATE: Paralyzed people can't walk.
LOCKE: Don't tell me what I can't do! I can walk now, obviously. I think this island is magic or something crazy like that.
KATE: Know what else is crazy? I killed my stepdad, who was actually my dad, by blowing up the house he was in. Then I went on the run for a long time. That marshall guy that's dying there was taking me to the U.S. to put me in jail.
(The "monster noise" is heard in the jungle.)
CHARLIE: What was that, mates?
HURLEY: I think it was a monster made of smoke that's floating around for some reason.
CHARLIE: That's bloody weird. Almost as bloody weird as me being a heroin addict due to my rock band, DriveShaft, and my brother, Liam.
HURLEY: Oh, yeah, you guys were popular right around the time I won the lottery thanks to some cursed, mysterious, omnipresent numbers. You guys suck.
SUN: Ha! They totally do.
SHANNON: You speak English?
SUN: Yeah, I do. Hey, Jin.
JIN: (Something in Korean.)
SUN: I speak English. I also had an affair with a bald guy, who taught it to me, then he killed himself, or maybe I killed him. But you can't blame me, right? You used to be a really nice guy before we got married and I paid off a blackmail debt to your prostitute mother by taking a loan from my father, which led him to make you his guy who beat the shit out of people, which destroyed your soul. I hope we reconcile and you gradually learn English. Wanna go in that tent and see if we can get me knocked up?
JIN: ... Boat?
(JIN and SUN go into their tent.)
SAYID: While they're doing that, we should try to figure out how to get off this island. I need to get back to Nadia, this chick I used to like and who I sorta tortured once. I'm from Iraq. Did I mention that?
MICHAEL: No. Hey, where'd Walt go?
SAYID: Oh, some grungy-lookin' pirates took him.
MICHAEL: WAAAAAAALT! WAAAAAAALT! I wanted to be there for him, but his mom was a bitch and took him away from me. I'm trying to get to know him now. Sucks that he got kidnapped.
LOCKE: Hey, while you guys were talking, I found some door in the jungle.
JACK: Did you open it?
LOCKE: Yeah, there was a Scottish guy in there, and I made him stop pressing some button. It just exploded and released a bunch of electromagnetic energy, so the island is visible to the outside world again.
DESMOND: Hi, bruthas. I'm Desmond. I can kinda see the future. Charlie, you're gonna die.
CHARLIE: OK, I'll go swim to an underwater station so we can all get rescued.
DESMOND: Sounds good. Then I can reunite with this chick I liked but got separated from due to her father's meddling. It was kinda like The Notebook.
ROUSSEAU: I found this guy in the jungle.
BEN: My name is Henry Gale!
SAYID: Really?
BEN: No, it's Benjamin Linus. I'm an Other, which means I'm part of this group of people who were on the island before you guys. I was initially part of the DHARMA Initiative, but it was purged by me and other people who have been on the island a long time and may or may not be immortal. It's complicated.
ROUSSEAU: They whisper.
BEN: Right. I'm really manipulative. If you help me escape, Michael, I'll give you back Walt. He makes birds run into doors. I don't like that and neither does Jacob, the cabin-ghost guy who runs this island.
MICHAEL: OK. (Shoots off into the distance.) I just killed Libby and Ana Lucia. Trust me, they're on the other side of the island. Tail section.
BEN: OK, here's Walt back. Get on this boat and then go sneak onto the freighter that's coming to kill us.
MICHAEL: OK.
(MICHAEL and WALT get on the boat and sail off.)
ALEX: Hey, Dad, what're you doing here?
BEN: Hi, Alex, this is your mother.
ROUSSEAU: Hey, I've been looking for you for 16 years.
ALEX: Weirdo.
JACK: Hey, Kate.
KATE: Yeah?
JACK: Pick me or Sawyer.
KATE: Who's Sawyer?
SAWYER: Me.
KATE: Oh, OK. I dunno. Sawyer, I guess.
SAWYER: Thanks, Freckles.
BOONE: I'm gonna go die now.
LOCKE: Yeah, the island's been saying it demands a sacrifice. Go for it, kid.
(First commercial break.)
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Opening Act From the Original, Unused Teleplay of Lost's Pilot Episode By Andrew Bridgman
What the Wonder Twins Would Take the Form of and the Shape of If They Were Sent to Correct the Subprime Mortgage Crisis By Ben Greenman
How Me Breaking Up With You Is Like Jon Lester Pitching a No-Hitter Against the Royals By Michael Nelson Price
Traditions in White Culture By Kevin Erickson
The 12 Labors of Gay Hercules By Jason Rhode
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