WORD PROBLEMS
FOR FUTURE HEDGE-
FUND MANAGERS.
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Elementary
(AGES 5–10)
1. Dick has $1 million. Jane has $1 million. If Dick and Jane both give their $1 million to T. Boone, how many millions will he claim he can turn it into?
2. On his way home from school, Kyle stops to buy a candy bar. It costs 69 cents. How much change should Kyle get back if he pays for the candy with a $1,000,000,000 bill?
3. Among those earning 10-figure incomes, Mr. Soros's total annual compensation is greater than Mr. Falcone's. Mr. Falcone's is greater than Mr. Griffin's. Mr. Griffin's is smaller than Mr. Soros's, and Mr. Paulson's is greater than Mr. Soros's.
In descending order, list the men by the respective hotness of their trophy wives.
4. A hedge-fund manager gets up at 5 a.m. It takes him 12 minutes to shower, 8 minutes to get dressed, and 20 minutes to eat breakfast. How big is his domestic staff?
Intermediate
(AGES 11–15)
1. Your middle-class parents have a combined household income of $115,000. You receive an allowance of $20 per week. If you save all your allowance for two years, how much debt will you have to finance to hostilely take over your family? How will you structure the debt?
2. The number of hours left in the New York Stock Exchange's trading day is one-third of the number of hours already passed. How many hours are there until you can start trading on the Tokyo Stock Exchange?
3. At 10 a.m., a private Gulfstream G650 takes off from New York, headed south to the Caribbean island of St. Bart's, traveling at a speed of Mach .9. At 11 a.m., a private Gulfstream G550 takes off from St. Bart's, headed north to New York, traveling at Mach .885. Both jets fly at 50,000 feet on parallel flight paths. When the aircraft pass each other somewhere over the Atlantic, how long after seeing the G650 will the owner of the G550 kick himself for not going top-of-the-line? (Answer should be expressed in nautical miles.)
4. In a given year, the Dow Jones Industrial Average rises 8.3 percent, the NASDAQ rises 7.6 percent, and the S&P 500 rises 7.9 percent. If, in that same period, you manage a $29 billion hedge fund that loses 11.6 percent, how large a year-end bonus are you entitled to? (Round to the nearest $10 million.)
Advanced
(AGES 16–18)
1. Mr. Smith is being investigated by the SEC for insider trading. Calculate the probability of Mr. Smith's relocation to Dubai.
2. If an American hedge-fund manager makes $900 million and is taxed at a rate of 15 percent, how many American factory workers making $32,500 and being taxed at a rate of 25 percent does that make a sucker of? (Show your work.)
3. Your mother gives you x dollars to put gas in the family car. Your father gives you y dollars to get a haircut. You lose x + y dollars betting against your high school's undefeated football team. Explain to your familial investors how "that's life."
4. Days before the housing bubble bursts, you short the ABX subprime index and, when the ensuing mortgage crisis causes millions of families to lose their homes to foreclosure, you realize a $550 million profit.
Since, for you, this is the opposite of a problem, find the opposite of an answer.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Word Problems for Future Hedge-Fund Managers By Bob Woodiwiss
Borges Teaches Self-Defense By Susan Schorn
Baby 2.0 By Ravi Mangla
Youth Culture Findings By Dan Kennedy
It's Not You, Iraq—It's Me By David Jaggard
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