THE 32
PHYSICAL
CHARACTERISTICS
OF RANDY, WHO IS
NOT THE BUDDHA
BUT EVIDENTLY
LOOKS PRETTY
SIMILAR TO
HIM.
- - - -
1. He has feet with level soles.
2. He has the mark of a thousand-spoked wheel on the soles of his feet.
3. He has narrow heels.
4. He has long fingers and toes.
5. His hands and feet are soft-skinned.
6. He has netlike lines on his palms and soles, and not just after he gets out of the tub.
7. He has high-raised ankles.
8. He has taut calf muscles like an antelope. This is his phrase, "like an antelope," and, frankly, a number of us find it preposterous.
9. He can touch his knees with the palms of his hands without bending. Seriously.
10. His sexual organs are not concealed. This is a major difference between Randy and the Buddha, whose organs are concealed in a sheath. Randy's are out there for everyone to see. Maybe too much.
11. His skin is the color of gold.
12. His skin is so fine that no dust can attach to it.
13. His body hairs are separate with one hair per pore. This may be the case for everyone, to be honest. Only one person in our group of friends has studied it at length, and he insists that Randy's nothing special in this regard.
14. His body hair is blue-black and curls clockwise in rings.
15. He has an upright stance.
16. He has the seven convexities of the flesh.
17. He has an immense torso, like that of a lion.
18. The furrow between his shoulders is filled in.
19. The distances from hand to hand and from head to toe are equal. Again, like No. 13, maybe nothing special. Jeremy, the guy who headed up the research on that one, sent me an e-mail: "My girlfriend has the same wingspan as height. I just finished measuring her. Now she's going to measure me."
20. He has a round and smooth neck.
21. He has sensitive taste buds. Very, very sensitive: once, we were sitting outside in the courtyard of a bar and someone across the way had chicken wings brought to their table and Randy, without missing a beat, said, "Medium-spicy."
22. His jaw is also like that of a lion.
23. He has 40 teeth.
24. His teeth are evenly spaced.
25. His teeth are without gaps in between.
26. His teeth are quite white. All this teeth stuff is making Randy sound like a ventriloquist's dummy, which I think isn't quite accurate. He's tall and broad, remember—see No. 17.
27. He has a large, long tongue. This isn't something I've seen all too often, but I know a girl who dated him for a few months and, if you put a few beers in her, this is the first thing she mentions. You'd think maybe No. 8, or maybe No. 10, or possibly, if she was in a strange mood, No. 21. But no: the tongue.
28. He has a deep, powerful voice.
29. He has very blue eyes.
30. He has thick eyelashes.
31. He has a white soft wisp of hair in the center of the brow. He has been to several doctors to get this looked at, and more than one has told him that there's nothing to do about it, not really.
32. His head has a protrusion that extends from his brow like a royal turban.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The 32 Physical Characteristics of Randy, Who Is Not the Buddha but Evidently Looks Pretty Similar to Him By Ben Greenman
Word Problems for Future Hedge-Fund Managers By Bob Woodiwiss
Borges Teaches Self-Defense By Susan Schorn
Baby 2.0 By Ravi Mangla
Youth Culture Findings By Dan Kennedy
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