THE MAGIC 8 BALL
AMENDED BY MY MOTHER
FOR MY MIDDLE-
SCHOOL YEARS.
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Very doubtful. But you brought that on yourself.
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As I see it, yes. But when was the last time you cared what I thought?
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My sources say yes. And they have no reason to lie about seeing you at the mall in the middle of a school day.
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It is decidedly so. I just know.
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Outlook good. Let's see how long that lasts.
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Outlook not so good. See?
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Better not tell you now. You seem upset and I'm afraid you might do something irrational. At least that's what Time magazine says about teenagers.
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Signs point to yes. The incense, for one. How stupid do you think I am?
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Don't count on it. Or on much else if you keep going the way you're going.
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Yes—definitely. Oh wait, I thought that was your sister holding the ball. For you, no.
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Reply hazy. Try again when I'm off the phone with my boyfriend.
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Concentrate and ask again. I can't abide poor grammar.
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My reply is no. Crying won't change things.
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Ask again later. Maybe in 20 years, when you'll understand what you put me through.
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You may rely on it. Let's just hope "it" can rely on you, too. Poor "it."
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Yes. As long as an adult is present and your grades are good. So I guess it's actually no.
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Most likely. Especially if your friends are already doing it.
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Cannot predict now. But, if your past behavior is any indication, the results will include my picking you up at the police station at 4 a.m.
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It is certain. Everyone blames the mother.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Magic 8 Ball Amended by My Mother for My Middle-School Years By Kate Hahn
The 32 Physical Characteristics of Randy, Who Is Not the Buddha but Evidently Looks Pretty Similar to Him By Ben Greenman
Word Problems for Future Hedge-Fund Managers By Bob Woodiwiss
Borges Teaches Self-Defense By Susan Schorn
Baby 2.0 By Ravi Mangla
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