Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - -

THE MAGIC 8 BALL AMENDED BY MY MOTHER FOR MY MIDDLE- SCHOOL YEARS. BY KATE HAHN - - - - Very doubtful. But you brought that on yourself. - - - - As I see it, yes. But when was the last time you cared what I thought? - - - - My sources say yes. And they have no reason to lie about seeing you at the mall in the middle of a school day. - - - - It is decidedly so. I just know. - - - - Outlook good. Let's see how long that lasts. - - - - Outlook not so good. See? - - - - Better not tell you now. You seem upset and I'm afraid you might do something irrational. At least that's what Time magazine says about teenagers. - - - - Signs point to yes. The incense, for one. How stupid do you think I am? - - - - Don't count on it. Or on much else if you keep going the way you're going. - - - - Yes—definitely. Oh wait, I thought that was your sister holding the ball. For you, no. - - - - Reply hazy. Try again when I'm off the phone with my boyfriend. - - - - Concentrate and ask again. I can't abide poor grammar. - - - - My reply is no. Crying won't change things. - - - - Ask again later. Maybe in 20 years, when you'll understand what you put me through. - - - - You may rely on it. Let's just hope "it" can rely on you, too. Poor "it." - - - - Yes. As long as an adult is present and your grades are good. So I guess it's actually no. - - - - Most likely. Especially if your friends are already doing it. - - - - Cannot predict now. But, if your past behavior is any indication, the results will include my picking you up at the police station at 4 a.m. - - - - It is certain. Everyone blames the mother. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Magic 8 Ball Amended by My Mother for My Middle-School Years By Kate Hahn The 32 Physical Characteristics of Randy, Who Is Not the Buddha but Evidently Looks Pretty Similar to Him By Ben Greenman Word Problems for Future Hedge-Fund Managers By Bob Woodiwiss Borges Teaches Self-Defense By Susan Schorn Baby 2.0 By Ravi Mangla

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL