EXCERPTS FROM
SEX AND THE CITY
AND THE KINGDOM OF
THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
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Page 4
INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT
(CARRIE is typing on her MacBook Air.)
CARRIE: (V.O.) Every year, thousands of women move to New York hoping to find two things: love and the crystal skull. After 20 years, I had finally found love with the man of my dreams, but he still hadn't asked me the big question. The one every New York woman wants to hear: "Will you find the crystal skull with me?" I had to wonder: Was it all just a myth? Or could a New York woman really ever have it all: work, love, and a skull given to us from an alien planet?
(A CGI dove flies by and takes up the whole screen.)
Page 20
INT. FIFTH AVENUE PENTHOUSE
(BIG is making CARRIE dinner.)
BIG: Welcome to our new home, baby.
CARRIE: It's beautiful. But I think I'm going to keep my old apartment.
BIG: What do you mean, baby?
CARRIE: I mean ... I would have no legal rights if anything happened. We haven't even found the crystal skull, yet.
BIG: (Laughs.) Is that what you want, baby? To find the crystal skull, baby?
CARRIE: Are you asking me to find the crystal skull with you?
BIG: Sure, baby. I mean, if that will make you happy, baby. I only want to be with you, baby. I just want it to be us, baby. The skull doesn't matter to me, baby.
(CARRIE smiles, looks down.)
BIG: Baby, let's find the skull together.
(BIG and CARRIE kiss. Two CGI doves land on the terrace and wink.)
Page 67
EXT. GRASS SKULL IN A WATERFALL
(CARRIE stands in a beautiful Vera Wang hunting gown, sobbing. CHARLOTTE, MIRANDA, and SAMANTHA stand by her in slightly less beautiful hunting gowns.)
CARRIE: I am such an idiot! He stood me up!
SAMANTHA: Forget about him, honey.
CARRIE: I knew he didn't want to find the skull with me. I pushed him and pushed him. I knew he'd already found the skull with two other women. I'm so stupid. And now I'm all alone in this waterfall in the sky inhabited by Aztecs.
CHARLOTTE: Aw, sweetie. You have us now.
(MIRANDA is devoured by millions of CGI ants.)
Page 85
EXT. HOLE IN GROUND
(SAMANTHA and ABORIGINE WARRIOR FROM SKULL NO. 83 are having intercourse.)
Page 115
INT. ALIEN TREASURE ROOM
(CARRIE enters alone.)
CARRIE: (To herself.) I haven't seen this much undiscovered treasure since I found that thrift store on 193rd Street.
(BIG pops out from behind a mummified alien's body.)
BIG: Surprise, baby.
(CARRIE screams. CARRIE cries. CARRIE and BIG have intercourse on a golden alien throne.)
CARRIE: That was out of this world. I still hate you, though.
BIG: Aw, baby.
CARRIE: Ow! I just rolled over something!
BIG: It's the crystal skull, baby. We found it, baby. Just you and me, baby.
CARRIE: Just you and me.
(Alien room begins to collapse. BIG and CARRIE run for their lives as Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman" plays.)
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Excerpts From Sex and the City and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull By Jill Morris
If a Unicorn Were on the National Security Council By Ken Saji
My Campaign Speech to My Parents By Jamie Allen
None of My Science Piñatas Are Appropriate for Children By Dave Ng
Service Changes By Jason Roeder
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