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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
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KRAZY KRIS.BY MIKE SACKS- - - - January 1 ME: Listen, can't we talk about this some other time? JEN: Some other time when? Our finances are a disaster! If we don't take care of this situation now, we're going to have to take out a second mortgage. So when do you plan— KRAZY KRIS: Did someone say mortgage? That reminds me of a joke. What did the man say to the— JEN: Who in the hell is this? ME: That's Krazy Kris! I hired him to provide comic relief! You know, for our relationship! For our lives! JEN: Where did he come from? ME: A special agency. For couples who are a little down. Anyway, look! He's taking off his shirt! He's popping his ample stomach in and out! Isn't this fantastic? Honey? Yes? JEN: How is he supporting himself? What exactly are you paying him? ME: Our 401(k). Relax, it's worth it. JEN: Now he's performing somersaults on our living-room floor. ME: This guy can do anything. Isn't he amazing? March 3 JEN: I really don't know what to do about my mother. We should talk about assisted care versus independent care— KRAZY KRIS: Look at me, everybody! I'm making balloon animals! JEN: For the love of ... He has to make an appearance every time we have a fight? How does he even know when to come over? ME: I have him paged. JEN: He's now playing a tuba and marching in step ... I can't hear myself think! ME: Louder! Louder! March 15 JEN: Are you aware that Krazy Kris is standing at the edge of our bed? ME: I figured we needed to lighten things up a bit in the bedroom. Mind? JEN: What's that standing next to him? ME: What does it look like? It's a miniature donkey! Krazy Kris rented it for the night. Isn't it adorable! JEN: We haven't made love in months! ME: It's the perfect remedy to take our minds off our problem! Kris, make the donkey bray! Do it! April 4 KRAZY KRIS: Anyone up for some spin-art fun? Hey, where's your wife? ME: At her brother's in Bethesda—she just moved out. KRAZY KRIS: That's terrible. I'm sorry. ME: It had absolutely nothing to do with you. Entertain me, Krazy ... I need it now more than ever. KRAZY KRIS: Bunny hop! Grab on tight, folks! We're goin' for a ride! May 27 KRAZY KRIS: Seen the TV remote? ME: Aren't you going to amuse me? KRAZY KRIS: How much can I amuse you already? Four hours isn't enough? ME: When you first got here, you'd amuse me all day. How about a somersault? KRAZY KRIS: With the day I've been having, no thank you. I don't know, maybe tomorrow? Yesterday KRAZY KRIS: I think my troubles first started in college. Women could never relate to me as anything more than a friend. Always the funny guy, you know? ME: God, you're a bore. What's the matter with you lately? KRAZY KRIS: I guess even clowns have their off months. Sue me. Life ain't all about the gags. Pass the remote. Today KRAZY KRIS: Seen the heating pad? My back is on fire. Oh, I'm in such a mood! ME: Krazy Kris, I think we need to talk. KRAZY KRIS: About what? And, by the way, my real name's Christopher. ME: I miss the juggling, the spontaneity, the animal tricks. It's not like it used to be. KRAZY KRIS: Welcome to life, big man. ME: All I'm saying is that we need to have a little chat. KRAZY KRIS: Ha! Give me a break! Who are you—my father? Here we go again! Pick, pick, pick! Like a goddamn crow! ME: Well, I am paying your rent! And your food! So, yes, maybe I am your father! KRAZY KRIS: Shut up! ME: Excuse me? Who are you to talk to me like that? Who— MR. PICKLES: Put your hands in the air! Put your hands in the air like you just don't care! KRAZY KRIS: Who in the hell is this? And why is he wearing a gigantic rainbow wig and playing the ukulele? MR. PICKLES: They call me Mr. Pickles! C'mon, everybody! Dance! Dance! Dance your problems away! - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Krazy Kris By Mike SacksYour Millions Never Came: The Good News Is That I'm Making a Comeback By Dan Kennedy Worse Things Happen at Sea By Susan Schorn The Press Release for My Attempt to Break the Guinness World Record for Holding Breath Underwater By Rick Stoeckel Lit 101 Class in Three Lines or Less By Ben Joseph |
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