You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

ALCOHOLICS EPONYMOUS. BY JIMMY CHEN - - - - MODERATOR: Thank you all for being here. I know this is very difficult. The first step is admitting that you have an addiction—I'd like to congratulate each one of you for doing that. Now let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves. JACK DANIEL: Hi, I'm Jack. ALL: Hi, Jack. JIM BEAM: Hijack, my ass. I just got off the damn plane. MODERATOR: Mr. Beam, please wait your turn—and we don't swear in our circle of trust. JIM BEAM: (Silence.) MODERATOR: That's better. I know you're a little strung out from last night. Hang in there, OK? Sir, how about you? RÉMY MARTIN: Bonjour, je m'appelle Rémy Martin. MODERATOR: Now, Rémy, I know you speak English. RÉMY MARTIN: (Sigh.) Hi, I'm Rémy. You know, I try to throw in a little class and immediately get shut down. JIM BEAM: Hey, froufrou, this is America—we're not impressed with that Frenchie stuff. That shit wouldn't pass in Kentucky, boy. Speak English. RÉMY MARTIN: Vous me faites pitié. JIM BEAM: English, boy. RÉMY MARTIN: Vous me donnez la nausée. Ma bouche va littéralement s'ouvrir et mon dernier repas se déversera dans ce monde. JIM BEAM: If you speak French one more time, I'll— RÉMY MARTIN: Mm! MODERATOR: Oh, dear. JIM BEAM: English! JOSE CUERVO: Inglés! MODERATOR: Please. RÉMY MARTIN: Voudriez-vous que je couvre votre tête de foie gras? GREY GOOSE: Honk!!! JOSE CUERVO: ¡Sacad este pajaro de aqui, se esta cagando por todos lados! JOHNNIE WALKER: I think the goose is concerned about the foie gras. GREY GOOSE: (Flapping its wings wildly.) Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! JACK DANIEL: Jesus Christ. MODERATOR: Plea— GREY GOOSE: (Flying around the room.) Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! (Moderator faints in the middle of the circle.) ALL: (Silence.) JOHNNIE WALKER: It is peculiar how the inebriated soul honks for attention. Look at what we have done to this poor lady; she even ripped her pants. Oh, I have seen many things in my days: the sullen look of a jaded 14-year-old lover, a brick of peat moss buttered in the final notes of a summer sunset, an oak barrel swollen with solemn unsung years ... oh, so many things. I brave to tread the path less traveled, twirl my cane amidst the havoc and chaos of modernity. We, suspended in this age of excess, brine our livers in nectared poison with self-delusional love and irrevocable loneliness, for true love—the kind that shines so bright its white rays burst your retinas—is but a lost notion quivering toward the past. ALL: (Silence.) GREY GOOSE: My bad. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Alcoholics Eponymous By Jimmy Chen McSweeney's Presents: All Known Metal Bands By Dan Nelson New Bowling Animations By Sean Adams Krazy Kris By Mike Sacks Your Millions Never Came: The Good News Is That I'm Making a Comeback By Dan Kennedy

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL