A PRESS CONFERENCE
ANNOUNCING MY LEAVING
MY GIRLFRIEND EARLY
TO DECLARE FOR
THE NBA DRAFT.
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Good morning. Thank you for coming. I'm humbled to sit here before you today. This has been an extremely difficult decision, but it's with a heavy heart that I announce my intention to forgo my remaining 66 years of relationship eligibility to enter my name into the 2008 NBA draft.
All the support I've received from you—from granting me full veto power over DVD rentals to the late-night b.j.'s—has made my decision that much tougher. Not to mention this season's controversial new no-condom dress code. But after weighing my options—particularly that of returning for another year of dating you—I can honestly say that I've gotten everything out of you that I possibly could, and you have nothing left to offer me.
My plan is to finish the semester dating you, before leaving to focus on preparing for the draft. This isn't something I'm doing for the ridiculous fame or the millions of dollars, or the endorsement smorgasbord, or the never-ending sexual buffet. This isn't about me at all. I am simply achieving a dream I've had since I was a little kid—the dream of playing in the NBA. I've worked hard for the chance to go to the next level, and I'm looking forward to facing the challenge of partners and teammates who will match my physical maturity.
To be honest, the only reason I spent this past season with you was because of the mandatory one-year policy. A year is an unbearably long time to make somebody wait for what they want, and, now that it's over, it's only right for me to leave you. My sole regret is the STD I may have given you. But our relationship has been a great experience for me and has truly helped prepare me for this next step in my life.
I'm relieved this decision is behind me and that we can move on. With all the great prospects coming in and the hype surrounding you, if you can build some chemistry with the new guys, you should have no trouble rebounding when I'm gone.
Finally, I want you to know that I've promised my mom I'll come back here and finish what I've started. She was the one who convinced me to commit to you in the first place, and I'm doing this for the both of us. So, during the off-season, I'll put in however many hours I'm required to complete with you. I intend to be the first person in my family to keep such a promise. Plus, it's a win-win, because I obviously need a fallback plan for when my career is over.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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A Press Conference Announcing My Leaving My Girlfriend Early to Declare for the NBA Draft By Eric Wiener
Alcoholics Eponymous By Jimmy Chen
McSweeney's Presents: All Known Metal Bands By Dan Nelson
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