THE MIDDLE EAST
PEACE PROCESS, AS
MODERATED BY MY
SPIN INSTRUCTOR.
- - - -
To the tune of
"Life Is a Highway"
by Tom Cochrane.
Happy Saturday, everyone! I'm so glad you're here!
Remember, you are here for you. Not for me, not for the person across the bargaining table, not for anyone else in the conference room.
This time is for you and you alone!
We'll begin with some simple negotiations to warm up our bargaining muscles.
Life is a highway, and every highway has a road map. So let's all take out our road maps.
To the tune of
"Hot Blooded"
by Foreigner.
Now we're entering some rolling hills. We're beginning to work a little harder now, getting our heart rates elevated.
You should be bargaining at a 6 or 7 out of 10. If you are bargaining at a 4 or a 5, pick up the pace. If you are bargaining harder than that, back off a little bit. You don't want to injure yourself or bonk out early.
Let's see who's ready to do some work. Is anyone out there ready to work?
How about we start with an effective cease-fire? Has anyone got an effective cease-fire for me? Israel Defense Forces? Yes! Hamas? Yes! Fatah? PLO?
Now we're working!
To the tune of
"The Final Countdown"
by Europe.
OK, folks, we're approaching a wicked big hill, and we're going to be doing our hardest bargaining for the next 4 minutes and 54 seconds. You should be bargaining at a 9 or even a 10 if you can. You should be giving everything you've got during this climb.
This is your time to work. Let's get those thorny issues out on the table!
Israel, how about it? Can we talk about ceasing settlement expansions? Work it! Can we talk about refugees‚ right of return? Work it!
Palestinian Authority, I see you sweating! Can we accept Israel's right to exist? Can we accept existing Jewish settlements in disputed territories? Push it! I want to see you giving 110 percent!
Islamic Jihad is working it! Who else is working it? Oh, I see you, Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine! Who else? I didn't forget about you, Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine! And I see Fatah and I see Hamas! Great work, guys! So how about it? Can we talk about an end to the intifada and a renunciation of armed resistance?
I can see the crest of the hill up ahead! Get up, get up, get your butts out of those saddles and push to the top! Don't give up now. We're almost there!
To the tune of
"The Best"
by Tina Turner.
Now we're headed for the finish line. We're headed home.
The hard work is done. It's time to relax a little and enjoy the ride.
Feel the wind in your hair, feel the sun on your face.
You bargained hard today.
Give yourselves a hand. You deserve it.
And please don't forget to wipe down the equipment when you're done.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The Middle East Peace Process, as Moderated by My Spin Instructor By Paul A. Ita
A Press Conference Announcing My Leaving My Girlfriend Early to Declare for the NBA Draft By Eric Wiener
Alcoholics Eponymous By Jimmy Chen
McSweeney's Presents: All Known Metal Bands By Dan Nelson
New Bowling Animations By Sean Adams
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
