Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

NONE OF MY SCIENCE PIÑATAS ARE APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN. BY DAVE NG - - - - 1. Hydrochloric-Acid-Filled Piñatas Good: Have the sturdy construction required to ensure no unintended leakage of contents. Bad: Possible severe burning. Brings the party down. 2. Endangered-Animal Piñatas Good: Kids love animals. High potential for very cute-looking piñatas, like baby seals, for instance. Bad: Beating with a stick sort of sends the wrong message. 3. Particle-Accelerator Piñatas Good: Built full-scale and often several miles in dimension. Therefore, young children find them easy to hit. Bad: Each one worth several billion dollars. Parents generally not keen on damaging them. 4. Smallpox (Variola major) Piñatas Good: Cool virus shape. Bad: Highly contagious and high mortality rate. Would also bring party down—as well as everyone else within a 100-mile radius. 5. Infinity-Symbol Piñatas Good: Possibly a way to address the often reported decline of mathematics education. Bad: Thinking about infinity makes my head hurt. Now imagine having to explain it to a child over and over again. 6. Piñatas in the Shape of the USA and Filled With the Greenhouse Gas Carbon Dioxide Good: Sort of work as a metaphor for the United States' role in the global-warming crisis. Bad: Unfortunately, the irony would be totally wasted on a 5-year-old. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - None of My Science Piñatas Are Appropriate for Children By Dave Ng Service Changes By Jason Roeder A Word to the Graduates By David Holub Contributor Bios for Mark as Spam Magazine, Issue Six By Angela Genusa Lacanian Jokes of the Day By James Warner

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