OK, IT'S TIME
TO TALK ABOUT
THE ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM.
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To: allstaff@ruterperiodicals.com
From: ehandelman@ruterperiodicals.com
Re: The elephant in the room
All,
OK, um, seriously? I thought we were going to have cupcakes for Angela's birthday at 3, but then I get there and someone has clearly put an elephant in the conference room. I am sure whoever did this thinks it's pretty hilarious, but you guys are not the office manager, and you are not the one who is going to have to deal with building services when they find out that there's an elephant inside the office park.
I know you guys all think your little jokes are hilarious. It was funny when you all went into Jeremy's office and moved everything in there six inches to the left just to freak him out. It was sort of funny when you convinced the temp that she had to bow to all the male workers as they passed by her desk. I even got a laugh out of the time Harry pretended to catch his hand in the shredder, even though I was the one who had to explain to the night janitor why there was so much blood everywhere.
But this, this is a bridge too far. Oh sure, I love animals. When Cindy brings her dog Muffin in, I have been known to stop by and play with Muffin for a minute or two. I have said such things as "What a good dog" and "Who's a good doggie?" Remember when we had that bird's nest near the fourth-floor bathrooms? I got just as caught up in waiting for the birds to hatch as the rest of you did. I even bought several squares on that board that Helen Parks made up, gamely paid my $40, and was sincerely happy for Richard Heder when he guessed the correct day and hour for the hatching.
So this isn't a question of me being uptight. This is a question of having a giant elephant in the conference room. It's huge. It stinks. And I think it might have relieved itself on one of the spare laptops. So, please, if you are the person who put the elephant in the conference room, you need to arrange for its immediate removal. We all had a laugh. We all had our fun. And now we need to get on with our workday, because these catalog orders aren't going to process themselves.
Also, not for nothing, but Cindy is an alcoholic and cocaine addict, Jeremy maintains several porn sites from his home, Helen Parks and Richard Heder have been having sex in the office after hours for as long as anyone can remember, Harry is manorexic, the temp has a hunchback, and, yes, yes—I used to be a dude.
All best,
Elizabeth Handelman
Office Manager
Ruter Periodicals
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Wendy Molyneux's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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OK, It's Time to Talk About the Elephant in the Room By Wendy Molyneux
Field Notes on the Arctic Tern By Jon Methven
Sick of the Revolution By Deb Olin Unferth
The Best Bastille Day Party Ever By Jim Stallard
Funny Letters From Summer Camp and Their Not-So-Funny Responses By Mike Sacks
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