A COPYEDITOR
AT A BUSINESS JOURNAL
REFLECTS ON A BREAKUP.
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First-quarter reports released this week show that Allison's reading activity more than doubled, to 47 percent of daily life, spurred by significant losses in the spooning and kissing sectors. Meanwhile, sexual activity plunged 98 percent, falling from record highs during the previous quarter's thriving joint venture.
Market participants say they suspected the partnership would sour after New Year's, but that the initial merger seemed an ideal prospect. A housemate familiar with the dissolution said both sides are expected to bounce back, but hopes the recovery speeds up so he can reclaim the couch and the TV remote.
"I just think taking a class or picking up a new hobby would help shore up some dignity at this point," said Rick, an analyst on the second floor. "And a vibrator might be a good idea, too."
Shares of crying and sleeping each saw new records in mid-February amid news of a premenstrual-syndrome-driven weight gain and a spike in bitter sentiment around the 14th.
Experts say eating and exercise trends have been leveling out steadily since March, but warn that the dignity sector remains shaky, and the turbulence could ripple outward, potentially stalling the highly anticipated Let's Date Other People venture.
Wine consumption has held steady, despite overall market turmoil, spiking in January, and again last Wednesday and Friday, but dropping off Sunday amid occupational pressures. Observers are wary of labeling the situation a recession.
"It's really a bullish trend we're seeing here," a co-worker said, probably referring to something in the actual economy.
As the downturn shows signs of ending, trading in social-networking bonds is on the rise. Phone calls, e-mails, and Facebook-gawking saw healthy, if slightly compulsive, activity near the end of the quarter.
A source close to the matter said it was time to move on, but would like to emphasize, for the last time—this means you, Kate—that, no, I don't want to join Match.com.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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A Copyeditor at a Business Journal Reflects on a Breakup By Allison Morrow
A Suburban Mother Tells Her 14-Year-Old Babysitter How to Make Her Parties More Raging By Wendi Aarons
The Middle East Peace Process, as Moderated by My Spin Instructor By Paul A. Ita
A Press Conference Announcing My Leaving My Girlfriend Early to Declare for the NBA Draft By Eric Wiener
Alcoholics Eponymous By Jimmy Chen
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