BOWLINE VARIATIONS. BY SCOTT BLASZAK - - - - The Classic Bowline The rabbit comes out of its hole, goes around the stump, and crawls back into its hole. The Practice Bowline The rabbit comes out of its hole, goes around the stump, then slows to a stop. Hmm, it thinks, which one of these here is the hole? They look awfully similar ... The rabbit's father looks on disapprovingly over his shoulder, points. The rabbit, a little sheepishly, crawls back into its hole. The Vanishing Bowline The rabbit comes out of its hole, goes around the stump, and crawls back into its hole. Aha, says the rabbit, that wasn't so tough. But when the rabbit reaches the bottom, the stump and the hole disappear, leaving the rabbit sitting there alone like a true jackass. Apparently, that wasn't the hole. Damn it. The rabbit checks to see if Dad saw. The One-Handed Bowline You're joking, right? The Urgent Bowline The rabbit comes out of its hole and, while it's circling the stump, a 4-foot swell crashes into the bow. The rabbit pulls itself up and leaves the hole again, but now it's rattled. Hours practicing on that piece of wood with two ropes last night while Dad was in the bar hitting on that tollbooth operator and still the rabbit freezes up when the pressure's on. It's like Little League all over again. The yelling doesn't help, either. The rabbit sees the rocks, and, I assure you, the rabbit's trying to take its head out of its ass. You know what? I'll just hold it. Yeah. In my hands. For the rest of the trip. Whatever. The rabbit's plenty mature. You're just pissed you'll have to mix your own drinks. The Practical Bowline (AKA THE SQUARE KNOT) The rabbit, hands raw from holding the jib sheet for what seemed like hours, considers this a perfectly fine knot. It's strong, easily recognizable, and it's a hell of a lot easier to tie. No stumps, no holes. As simple as tying your shoes. Admittedly, it's not the hallowed bowline, God's gift to rope fastenings, but too effin' bad. Ask the rabbit if he cares that it's harder to untie when under a load. Go ahead, ask him. God forbid you use your knife for something other than cutting limes. The rabbit'll be in the cabin if you need him. The Final Bowline Here's the thing about the rabbit. He doesn't care if you consider him seaworthy. He's only here because Mom said you're becoming unglued and that if I remember all the irresponsible stuff you do we can get the judge to change the custody arrangement. There. It's tied to the dock. Yeah. I guess I finally did one. The rabbit still says it's a stupid knot. If you don't like it, you can talk to his friend, the bird. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Bowline Variations By Scott Blaszak Children's-Film Sequels as Imagined by Famous Directors By Rebekah Frumkin OK, It's Time to Talk About the Elephant in the Room By Wendy Molyneux Field Notes on the Arctic Tern By Jon Methven Sick of the Revolution By Deb Olin Unferth

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL