EPISODE SYNOPSES
FOR THE NEVER-AIRED
TV COP DRAMA
RAZOR AND SMITH.
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EPISODE ONE
Pilot
Razor is introduced, swilling coffee and cleaning his gun. His partner Edward Smith has been killed in the line of duty, and the department mourns. Razor's new partner is a freshly promoted "by the book" detective also named Smith. Razor hates him. But after a big shootout in the precinct headquarters everything changes, as Smith saves a police dog before taking a fatal bullet in the chest. He dies in Razor's arms. Razor promises to write Smith's mother as "I'll Stand by You" by the Pretenders plays into the credits.
EPISODE TWO
Hot Beef Injection
Razor gets a new partner, also named Smith. Razor hates him. They foil a robbery in the bank next door to Razor's favorite hot-dog stand. Smith takes a bullet saving a crippled child, and Razor swears on the Bible of a wounded Jehovah's Witness that Smith is his best partner ever.
EPISODE THREE
I Love Hookers!
Razor partners with another Smith. Razor thinks he's OK. They meet Rose, a trashy yet beautiful hooker. She witnesses a mob hit and they must protect her in a safe house until she can testify. Rose only works the street to send her blind sister to college. She cooks her mother's potatoes au gratin for the detectives while they hide in the safe house. Razor treats Rose with disdain but secretly loves her with all his heart. Rose calls Razor a scoundrel and secretly loves him with all her heart. A passing gas-meter reader turns out to be the deadly assassin known as the Jackal. Smith takes a bullet in the back protecting Rose, who is exposed while hanging the detectives' socks out to dry.
EPISODE FOUR
The One Where Smith Is a Dog
Smith is a Border collie. He gets run over by Lenny the Pimp's Escalade.
EPISODE FIVE
'Ello, Guv'nor!
Razor and the new Smith are on vacation, and their English cousins Blazor and Smythe take over for a day. Smythe is killed saving the captain's childhood friend Moose from a Russian spy. Razor returns at the end of the episode, having buried Smith in Florida, where he died in a freak water-skiing accident. The captain gives Blazor a medal, and Blazor and Razor arm-wrestle as the credits roll.
EPISODE SIX
Is That Marriage in Your Pants
or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Smith is a woman who does everything better than Razor. After she carries him from a burning building, Razor calls her "an all-right doll." They marry. Razor's nemesis, Dr. Huntington Sinclair, drives by the church as the couple exits and machine-guns the bride. Smith dies in Razor's arms, and he swears to never love again. Razor then adopts a kid from Slovenia.
EPISODE SEVEN
Clip Show
Highlights from episodes one through six are featured. Narrated by William Shatner.
EPISODE EIGHT
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
and Is Also Black
The new Smith is black. Razor overcomes his latent racial prejudices and invites Smith to his house for a barbecue. While introducing Smith to his friends, Razor refers to him as his "African-American" friend. Smith objects to this because his family is from Port-au-Prince and prefers to be called "Haitian-American." Razor doesn't see what the difference is, but goes along with it anyway. Smith is eventually killed by robots.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Episode Synopses for the Never-Aired TV Cop Drama Razor and Smith By Jeff Macfee
Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition) By Sarah Schmelling
The Push Poll: A Life Approach By Jay Dyckman
Corrections to Last Month's Letters to Penthouse Forum By David Copper
How to Perform a Tracheotomy By Sarah Walker
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