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THE TALK.BY JULIA WEISS- - - - BEE: Hello, Bird. BIRD: Oh. Hello. BEE: I'm Bee. I'm a bee. BIRD: Yes. I see that. How do you do? BEE: Very well, thank you. And you? BIRD: Oh, quite well, thank you. Considering. BEE: Considering? BIRD: Just the weather. Hard to keep up. BEE: How can it be hard to keep up when you have such nice wings? BIRD: Oh, Bee. You are a charmer! BEE: Oh, Bird. One can't help but be charming when one is charmed. BIRD: Hehe. Buy me a drink? BEE: Done. - - - - BIRD: Oh, Bee. I've never— Not on a first— Oh, Bee. BEE: Don't speak, Bird. Just let things— BIRD: Bee! BEE: Bird! BIRD: Oh, Bee! (Cut to: Several minutes later.) BEE: Cigarette? - - - - BEE: When I was 9, my mother stung a man. He was trying to swat me. BIRD: You poor thing. BEE: I watched her as she passed. I still blame myself. BIRD: Wow, Bee. You've never opened up like this before. BEE: I guess I ... BIRD: You guess you what? BEE: I guess I trust you or something. BIRD: Oh? BEE: Yeah. BIRD: Bee? BEE: Yeah? BIRD: I love you. BEE: Aw. Good night. - - - - BEE: Lay off, Bird. I was working late. BIRD: What's her name? BEE: Jesus Christ! Can't a man work late? BIRD: Does she have a stinger? Am I fat? BEE: Bird, I'm not seeing someone else. BIRD: Then why did I find pollen in the Honda? BEE: You searched my Honda? BIRD: Don't change the subject! BEE: God, I can't even trust you! BIRD: Don't twist this! BEE: Snoop! BIRD: Cheat! BEE: Vulture! BIRD: Drone! - - - - BEE: Her name is Mandy. She works in HR. BIRD: Oh my God. BEE: She's a wasp from Pittsburgh. And, yeah ... maybe you could stand to be a little less early, Bird. BIRD: Get out. BEE: I'm gone. BIRD: Good! Go! I hate you! - - - - BEE: Bird? Bird, is that you? BIRD: Oh my God! Bee! How are you?! It's, uh ... It's been ... BEE: A while! BIRD: Ha-ha. Yeah. A while. BEE: You look ... just ... great. BIRD: Thanks! You, too. You, too. So ... what's, uh ... what's new? BEE: Not much. Getting married in June ... BIRD: Wow! Congratulations. That's just ... That's great. BEE: Yeah. She's a great girl ... Good family. BIRD: That's wonderful ... BEE: What about you? Got anybody? BIRD: I've been seeing a crow on and off. I'm meeting the murder later this week ... for the, uh ... the holidays. BEE: Wow, yeah. Good. Great. BIRD: Hey, I gotta ... I gotta run. Let's get ... coffee or something sometime. BEE: Sounds great. Sounds good. Yeah ... let's ... let's make it happen. BIRD: Yeah. BEE: It was good running into you, Bird. BIRD: You, too, Bee. You, too. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Talk By Julia WeissJean-Paul Sartre's Script for Without a Trace By Bob Woodiwiss The Proofreader By Robert Cantoni What We Talk About When We Talk About Mad-Cow Disease By Steve Lohse The Progressive Cowpoke: Highlights From the Radio Serial By Daniel McArdle |
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