MY IDEAS
FOR STAGED PHOTOS
SET ME APART FROM
OTHER WEDDING
PHOTOGRAPHERS.
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Bride and groom standing in front of oak tree. Clasping hands, gazing at each other, and kissing.
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Groom standing behind the bride, arms wrapping around her. Sun setting in background.
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Bride and groom sitting in a makeshift raft. Both looking like scared Cubans defecting to America.
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Groom sitting at a faux witness stand, on trial for cadaver trafficking. Someone from wedding party wearing a black robe, holding a gavel, and sitting on a dais. Ethnically diverse guests in the jury box. Bride sitting on jury trading lustful glances with the defendant.
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Groom as a used-car salesman and bride in the market for a fuel-efficient, reliable Japanese-made compact with decent trunk space. Groom is making the hard sell on a Suzuki SX4 Crossover. Bride is inspecting it, touching the instrument panel, showing interest. Groom explaining to bride features like the rear-glass demister, and making sure she knows that the heated outside mirrors are only available on the touring-package model.
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Bride donning a fancy hat and groom standing beside her at the Kentucky Derby. Groom loosening tie, looking like a beaten man who just bet and lost everything he had. Bride hitting groom with fancy hat and berating him. Smashed glasses of mint juleps on ground.
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Bride standing in front of groom. Groom putting left forearm around bride's neck very tightly because she is his hostage. Groom waving machete and vowing that neither bride nor groom will be taken alive. Groom doesn't care anymore after his deli closed down and he owes the bank big money.
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Bride and groom each kneeling on one knee and pressing up against each other back to back. Each is holding a soccer ball, as both are captains of their respective high-school teams and it's picture day. They're smiling because their teams made states, though both lost in the semifinals. Still, it was a good year, considering neither team made the playoffs the previous three years.
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Bride in a slowly deflating hovercraft. A wrecked Jet Ski floats beside it to simulate the moments after a collision. Groom was driving without insurance and the accident is his fault. Bride angrily flailing her arms. Groom in water, raising his hands forward in the air as if to say, "Calm down, we can work something out—just don't get the police involved."
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Bride is crying. Groom is sitting at a table. In front of him on the table are lines of pure Columbian cocaine, a razorblade, and a tightly rolled $20 bill. Groom is wearing only an undershirt, boxer shorts, and socks, which have holes in them. Wedding rings are off—everything was sold a long time ago to buy blow. (Stubble and lesions to be added via Photoshop.) Bride is a broken shell of a woman and is tugging on groom's arm, begging him to stop.
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Tall, dark, and handsome best man behind a bush with the bride, getting it on. Hands are all over each other. Bride's expensive hairdo ruined by passionate foreplay. The two appear to have a history together, or pent-up desire for each other that could never be expressed because of the groom's feelings. Groom peering angrily through bush with expression that says, "My new wife is cheating on me on our wedding day with my best man and I don't care for it."
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Candid shots of people mingling at the cocktail reception.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
My Ideas for Staged Photos Set Me Apart From Other Wedding Photographers By Frank Ferri
We Have Some Advice for You, President Obama
People Say I've Changed By Micah Cratty
George W. Bush: The End-of-the-Administration Slide Show By Scott Jacobson and Mike Sacks
One More Handful of Letters From Thanks and Have Fun Running the Country: Kids' Letters to President Obama
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