ANNOUNCEMENTS
ON THE BACK LABELS OF
POPPY'S MIX PRODUCTS.
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Poppy and I came up with the idea for "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat Mix" during a short walk in the woods just outside Goshen, Connecticut. Poppy was brooding a bit, so I asked him what was on his mind.
"You know what this world needs?" he asked.
I paused, one hand resting on a nearby tree. "A nut and oat mix that tastes like the kind you used to eat as a child?" I asked.
His eyes widened. "Exactly!" he said, "The kind that doesn't taste like it came from a smoking factory or a science lab!"
And so "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat Mix" was born. It took a lot of false starts in our basement, mixing different kinds of nuts and oats, but we finally found the magic ingredients. "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat Mix" is now sold to cheerful hikers all across Connecticut—and we're still growing! Thank you for supporting us!
— Poppy Jr., 1996
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My good friend Alex Rodgers, our researcher at Poppy's, and I came up with the idea for "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey Mix" just after taking a run on our two office treadmills. That's pretty much our office: Alex's desk, my desk, and those treadmills. They're big and kind of old, but they remind us that our business is rooted in healthy living.
"Hey," Alex panted, after grabbing a sip from his water bottle, "You know what would be fantastic?"
I paused, one hand resting on the machine. "Adding the taste of honey to our already popular 'Nut 'n Oat Mix'?" I asked.
He pounded his fist in his palm. "Exactly!" he exclaimed, "A mix that combines the wholesome goodness of nuts and oats with just a bit of the natural, sweet taste of honey!"
And so Poppy's "Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey Mix" was born. Alex had to work round the clock for weeks, sampling different kinds of honey from all over the world, but his efforts paid off. "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey Mix" is now sold to discerning adventurers all over America—and we're still growing! Thank you for supporting us!
— Poppy Jr., 2000
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Our Board of Directors and I came up with "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey 'n Berry Mix" as we came out of a shareholder meeting. It had been an ugly one—we'd been taking a lot of awkward and unfair questions about our labor practices, and everyone was beat.
Someone, I think it was the head of our Marketing Department, adjusted his tie and said, "You know what really could drive sales for the next quarter? And even after that?"
I paused, one hand resting on the roof of my Lamborghini. "Incorporating a berry element into our number-one seller?" I asked.
He shot his cuffs and watched his security team beat up a vagrant. "Exactly!" he intoned, "A product that could build on traditional demand for nuts and oats and honey while taking share from the berry demographic as well!"
And so "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey 'n Berry Mix" was born. Alex pretty much had to kill the team to get the damn thing out the door (three months behind schedule, I might add) but the data shows it was well worth it. "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey 'n Berry Mix" is now sold to hungry consumers all over the world—and we're still growing! Thank you for supporting us!
— Poppy Jr., 2011
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It goes to show that my hand-servants are not as useless as they ordinarily seem. One knave, it appears, may claim some smidgen of credit for the release of my greatest creation—"Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey 'n Berry 'n Syrup Mix". This scoundrel, who employs himself as a floor scrubber in the throne room, recently showed astonishing mental clarity when he stood and asked to be recognized.
"Sir," he said, "Please grant me permission to share a thought with you!"
I paused, one hand resting on my cat o' nine tails. "What, ingrate? Do you wish to tell me that light-footed Alex Rodgers still leads his freedom fighters through my domain? For my Death Teams insist they peppered his body with magneto-cannons not six hours ago! Or do you wish to raise the possibility of introducing syrup into my famous concoction?"
He struggled to keep from weeping in fear. "Exactly!" he cried, "A feast that combines the joy of nuts and oats and honey and berry with the slick pleasure of syrup would be a most wise accomplishment!"
And so "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey 'n Berry 'n Syrup Mix" was born. The hand-servant was sentenced to four years in the mines for pausing in his toil, then pardoned for his wit, then sentenced to fifteen years in the mines for addressing me directly. A score of alchemists perished in the development of the new mix, but their sacrifice was not in vain, and, regardless, that means little. "Poppy's Nut 'n Oat 'n Honey 'n Berry 'n Syrup Mix" is now mandated by Royal Law to peasants throughout my lands—and we're still growing! Cower upon your knees and tremble!
— Poppy Jr., The Glorious and Cruel, 2036
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Announcements On the Back Labels of Poppy's Mix Products By D.P. Roth
An Interview with Dr. Cruelty Regarding the Supervillain Sense of Humor By John Moe
Terror Haute By Robin Hemley
Five Other Activites During Which Texting Can Be Dangerous By Jamie Allen
It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers By Colin Nissan
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