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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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FALL FASHION REPORT FROM A LOCAL CORRECTIONAL FACILITY.BY HENRY ALFORD- - - - THE RECENT ARRIVAL For the woman who suddenly finds herself in a new place in life, this unlawful assembly of crepe and acid-washed denim puts a new spin on the old jumpsuit classic. While the strappy slingbacks with shiv heel merely hint that she may be someone who likes to mix pleasure with business, the jumpsuit's jaunty bodice takes a far more aggressive stance—think shantung and shirred georgette, all in moody tones of bruise and second-degree-burn aubergine. The net effect is pure mystery and myth. First-time offender, or career? Assault and Battery, or Man. 2? She's not telling, and Fashion is doing his job by accentuating these unanswered questions while posing a few memorable ones of his own. Meanwhile, the removeable skirt adds a bit of flirty flounce and distraction to the architectural severity of the ribbed corselette—it's a witness protection program in griege and persimmon voile. At her extremities, Elsa Perretti-ish wrist and ankle bangles hewed from dented, tin drinking cups make a memorably swoopy and daft impre ssion: the New Girl. Is she already spoken for? Watch for her in the yard. JADE JAMMIN' Nunchuk tie-ups and toggle-bolts ensure a sprightly lock-up on this all-season stunner; and you can pop up the vicuna-lined hood for a definitive Lights Out. But at the end of the day, she's all about the shimmer. Texture begets form begets dazzle begets hello with this jumpsuit's heavily-encrusted surface: Swarovski crystals and oodles of striated Tasmanian topaz are complimented with gobs of toothpaste-left-to-harden-in-the-sink for a glittering mosaico tribute to haut-boheme sophistication—you're a teenage Jade Jagger, running barefoot through the alleyways of Ibiza; you're Ellen Barkin, and you have bitten someone who is now bleeding. The guards may try to confiscate the skinny lizard belt and the ribbony, fringed peplum, but just give those wage slaves a good look at all that luxurious ruching and beadwork and they'll collapse in the shade like a bunch of espadrille-wearing pêcheurs on a late-arriving dayboat. That oh-so-mod, super-chunky jewelry? It's bits of license plates, twisted into nautilus and dollar-sign shapes; Fashion is telling you that even though every one around you has a bad case of the drearies, all it takes is a little imagination to be absolutely hoose-gawgeous. G.I.T. Drag your bully stick against the metal bars of this crepe-and-organza catsuit with caftan cover-up, all trimmed with bedsheet and leatherette-Bible-jacket cuffing. One thing's clear—she's a Girl in Trouble. Note the slashes of embroidery at the wrists—this cry for help is all elegance, as befits thread has been harvested from vealed mergansers and then triple-dyed with strawberry Jell-O stolen from KP shifts. What's in the concealed pleather holster? Fashion isn't telling. But every garment quietly tells a story, and the story here is, Keep Your Distance—I Am Only a Phone Call Away from a Network of Highly Responsive Colleagues. Rusty water and lighter fluid have been used on the caftan to distress a patchwork of washcloths and old jeans into a nubblescape of faded cotton romance: Fashion speaks in the gangsta patois of raw terry and unborn denim. And every story, they say, has a happy ending—while the 300-pound titanium ball with matching chain gives new meaning to the charge, Accessory After the Fact, the matching Cleopatra anklet-booty assures us this teenage Queen is all Nile and no denial. THE GOER Fashion is definitely aiding and abetting with this camouflage print of money green and Hilfiger khaki, especially stunning when backlit by the searchlights near the western wall. The ample play of the palazzo pants is perfect for sudden movement, and the outer shell of the jacquard-lined canvas keeps its starched, architectural silhouette intact whether you're wiggling through dank, underground tunnels or zigzagging tree-to-tree through a wooded glen like a woman with a strong sense of mission. Yes, at last—a piece to take her from day into evening. And she'll need all the help she can get—this one's making a beeline for a place where she won't have to stand in line for dinner; a place where Arts and Crafts is an artistic movement and not a protracted Tuesday-morning battle for control of the scissors and gluepot. Fashion counsels those in his sway to jettison their struggle with the appellate system. So now this one's on the move. She's going home. - - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Fall Fashion Report from a Local Correctional Facility By Henry AlfordIntroducing the Kindle Gutenberg Bookreader By G. Xavier Robillard Arse Poetica By Mike Sacks and Teddy Wayne My Hobbies By Ellie Kemper A Literal-Minded Corporate Executive Gives the Opening Address at his Company's Sales Conference By Christopher Mah |
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