CAMPAIGN E-MAILS FROM
THE DONAHUE FAMILY
PET DEBATE.
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From: martin@MartinDonahueWantsADog.com
Subject: One Step Closer
Dear Family,
I've just come from a spirited but productive Family Meeting. We can now finally repair the dog-shaped hole in the hearts of the majority of family members. The cat campaign was skillfully waged, but ultimately the dog had the day. Myself, Dad, and Kevin voted for a dog, and Mom and Laura voted for a cat.
Now, the boys understand our sister's preference for a cat, and we're totally up for talking about that later, after the dog settles in. But Laura's claim that it will be given her room is fear-mongering hyperbole. Any hint we gave that that was true was just teasing. As for Mom's assertion that Dad got to pick the car so she should pick the animal that stays home with her all damn day, I appeal to her sense of democracy and respect for majority rule.
And Kevin, while getting a Rottweiler would be nice, it's unlikely, and the point of this process is getting a terrific canine pet, not one specific option.
Let's advance with respect and optimism as we begin the search for the right dog for our family. We rightfully had a vigorous debate, but now we must unite to accept this puppy into our home.
Sincerely,
Martin Donahue
Eldest Sibling
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From: gilmostgirl@DonahueCat2009.com
Subject: Nuh Uh
Dear Family,
No way did we decide to get a dog tonight. There were two votes for cat, two votes for dog, and Kevin voted for a Rottweiler.
On a multiple choice test, if the options are either A or B, and you write down Rottweiler, you don't get credit. Kevin did not vote for a dog. Kevin voted for a Rottweiler. Since we're never going to get a Rottweiler, Kevin's vote doesn't count.
We'll vote again at next week's Family Meeting. Tonight didn't count. We should spend as much time on the issue as it takes to realize we need a cat.
Dogs are big, smelly, and dumb. I don't want one. Mom doesn't want one. It's the wrong decision. What's happening to the family we used to know?
Plus, Dad, I looked on the Internet and dogs are way more expensive than cats. Remember that whole big talk about saving money, and you told Mom you'd cut beer next, promise? Maybe she and I would forget you said that with a cat. Or I could give up my phone! I would!
If we get a cat it will love us and you can even take pictures of them and put them on the Internet if you want.
P.S. Martin, once "the dog settles in" we'll have to "get you a car" or "send you to college." The pet window is now, and you're 14. You're gone in 4 years, you're too old to vote.
This is NOT over. We are GETTING a NICE, FLUFFY KITTY.
<3<3<3<3
Laura Donahue
Travel Team Soccer Captain
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From: "Susan Donahue" susan@knitmonsters.com
Subject: Go to bed.
We are not talking about this any more tonight.
— mom
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From: kevman50002@hotmail.com
Subject: Facts
Facts:
Rottweilers originated during the Roman Empire.
Rottweilers herded the cattle that armies brought along for food.
Our Rottweiler would let you lay your head on his belly next to a fire.
Rottweilers worked as draught animals to haul carts.
Rottweilers were also police and military dogs.
Our Rottweiler Jake could jump out of bushes when Timmy Delarosa teases me and scare him.
Despite their fierce reputation, Rottweilers are simply very loyal and like to work a lot.
Rottweilers were the most popular dog in America during part of the 1990s.
Rottweilers are awesome.
Rottweilers are the best kind of dog so why would you get a different dog.
Cats are lazy and boring.
Rottweiler,
Kevin
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From: gilmostgirl@DonahueCat2009.com
Subject: Why Are We Even Talking About This?
Dear Family,
Once again, Mom says stop and one of the boys disobeys and spouts pro-dog nonsense anyway. We are not getting a Rottweiler. Both Mom and Dad said so, and Tina's dad got a Rottweiler and now she said his assurance rates went up.
I don't care if Kevin reads Rottweiler books all day, that's not a reason to bring a murderer into the house. You're gonna be upset when the Rottweiler eats me, Dad.
Kevin only wants a Rottweiler. We can't get a Rottweiler, so he doesn't count as a dog vote.
<3<3<3<3
Laura Donahue
Travel Team Soccer Captain
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From: MartinDonahueWantsADog.com
Subject: Pot and Tea Kettle
Dear Family,
Laura is obviously talking just as much as Kevin after Mom said not to. And it's "insurance rates." Maybe you and Kevin are just too young to weigh in. So it's still 2-1 me and Dad vs. Mom.
We both know that Kevin will go for a dog over a cat. Stop trying to divide everybody.
Taking the high road,
Martin
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From: "Susan Donahue" susan@knitmonsters.com
Subject: RE: Go to bed.
GO TO BED. WE ARE NEVER GETTING A PET. IF ANYTHING I'M DEBATING DECREASING HOW MANY THINGS LIVE IN THIS HOUSE.
— mom
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From: "John Donahue" jdonahue@moneycompany.com
Subject: Come downstairs
Hey guys, sorry I've been gone all night but I've got a surprise for you! It's either a dog or a sweet science experiment, but there's definitely a chocolate lab downstairs!
Love,
Dad
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From: martin@MartinDonahueWantsADog.com
Subject: RE: Come downstairs
Dear Family,
WOOOO! Let's all get behind our new dog!
Sincerely,
Martin
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From: gilmostgirl@DonahueCat2009.com
Subject: Re: RE: Come downstairs
This isn't over. That dog is illegitimate.
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From: kevman50002@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: RE: Come downstairs
Although I still believe that a Rottweiler is the best option, I have no choice but to admit this dog is pretty awesome. Thanks, Dad! I guess.
— k
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From: "Susan Donahue" susan@knitmonsters.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: RE: Come downstairs
John, I believe there's a summit of the G2 powers upstairs right now, discussing the possibility of sleeping-on-the-couch sanctions.
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From: "John Donahue" jdonahue@moneycompany.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: RE: Come downstairs
Did I miss something? I'm in trouble aren't I?
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