THE MODERN
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
HYPOCHONDRIACAL
GENTLEMAN'S
GUIDE TO STYLE.
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Wardrobe
It's important for a gentleman to have a flexible wardrobe that offers a number of looks for a variety of occasions. Review your current wardrobe to see what's missing. Start by counting how many blazers and suit jackets you own. Better yet, pull them all out of the closet and lay them on your bed organized by date of purchase, with the jacket most recently bought closest to the headboard. Now count them again. How many of your jackets are black? How many are blue? How many are gray? How many are brown? It's important to have all four colors as an option, and it's especially important to keep the brown ones from touching the blue ones so your mother doesn't contract diabetes.
Quick tip: Online retailing has exploded in the decade since you last left your house. There are great clothing bargains to be had, and you'll never have to touch money with your bare hands!
Grooming
Clothes may make the man, but the making of a gentleman depends on much more. Make daily grooming a part of your morning ritual, preferably right after you wash your hands and unplug your alarm clock to prevent electrical fires, and before you select the best egg out of the carton, throw the other eleven away, and then wash your hands again because you touched the trashcan. Cover your bathroom floor with butcher's paper before trimming eyebrows and nose hairs. Even up your sideburns. Bathroom mirrors can be deceiving, so it's best to use a white architect's ruler, which can be bought at any hardware store. However, given the level of particulate matter in hardware stoes, mail order is the way to go.
Quick tip: Medical researchers have been debating for years over whether or not facial hair traps bacteria and increases the risk of illness. Beards may be in fashion right now, but why take the risk?
Accommodations and Furnishings
Gentlemanly abodes no longer fit the stereotype of mantelpieces, wing chairs, and silver service carts. The modern gentleman's accommodations exude class, but also reflect his unique sensibilities: don't be afraid to point your scotch-guarded living room chairs east or east-southeast. Such creative decisions will lend a rakish air to your home. Remember that you spend a third of your life sleeping, so invest in a comfortable bed. While traditional box springs and mattresses can become infested with bedbugs, inflatable mattresses are inexpensive and can be cleaned in a simple daily three-step bath of bleach, lye, and sulfuric acid. Also, if you use a HEPA air filter with the mattress pump, the risk of night pixies crossing the PVC barrier to steal your soul is negligible.
Quick tip: Everything is fun and games with night pixies until someone gets their soul taken.
Cuisine
How many times have you said to yourself, "I wish I had time to prepare sophisticated meals, but the lids of these canned goods aren't going to clean themselves?" Today's gentleman still knows how he likes his steak cooked at a three-course dinner (always well-done!) but has added recipes to his culinary repertoire that are quick, delicious, and hypoallergenic. There's great pleasure to be had from taking a stroll down to the weekend market to pick out some fresh fruits and vegetables for a Sunday feast, until you stop to think about all the people who have put their dirty mitts on the produce. Also, the polio-inducing shadows from other pedestrians. But if you join a farm co-op under an assumed name so that anyone who wishes you ill can't poison your order, you can get fresh food delivered direct to your door.
Quick tip: Make sure you get your purchases brought in paper bags, which are much easier to hoard for the day when grocery bags become a form of currency.
Entertaining
While the prevalence of online social networking sites have made mailed party invitations all but obsolete, they can add a personal and purposeful touch to your soirees. Also, they provide you with the opportunity to give each attendee a map detailing the best directions from their place to yours, notifications about any road closures or public transportation service advisories, a map of all the sidewalk cracks to be avoided on the way to your front door, and a list of required immunizations. It's best to prepare food before guests arrive, since hosting duties will require most of your attention once they do. Keep asthma inhalers stashed at various locations throughout the house in case of hyperventilation when people touch your belongings.
Quick tip: Never actually allow other people inside your home.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Modern Obsessive-Compulsive Hypochondriacal Gentleman's Guide to Style By Zachary Martin
Death of a Specialist By Jeff Albers
The Newsletter of the Cryptodrome By Jonathan Baude and J. Alex Boyd
A Job for the Panorama
Your Mother and I Will Enjoy A Lovely Night Without You By Brendon Lloyd
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