THE EMOTIONAL
HOKEY POKEY.
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You put your heart in. You put your heart out. You put your heart in and Ashley in accounting, beautiful Ashley, shakes it all about. And then she asks, "Why do you put your heart out so much? Why can't you just leave it in? It would help our relationship." And you say, "Because you shake it, Ashley." You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around—slowly, slowly, so she can't see your tears. That's what it's all about.
You put your deepest self in. You put your deepest self out. You put your deepest self in and you shake all about from the vulnerability and you start sweating and regret what you've done. You do the hokey pokey—is anyone watching?—and you turn yourself around so you can reject people before they reject you. That's what it's all about.
You put your naked anger in. You lash out. You put your naked anger in and you shake it hard—reliving your father's rejection and your boss's criticisms until you don't know your own name, or where you were born, or if you are a person or a jaguar named Maurice, or why it didn't hurt to jump through the plate glass window into the liquor store. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around until the police come. That's what it's all about.
You put your pure joy in. You put your pure joy out. You put your pure joy in and the world shakes it all about like a great white shark does a seal before swallowing it whole. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around and don't recognize the person you see in the mirror anymore. That's what it's all about.
You put your disappointment in. You put your disappointment out. You put your disappointment in and you leave it there, intending never to look at it again. You do the hokey pokey and then think about what you are doing and don't bother to turn yourself around. What's the point? As if you can really leave that disappointment behind, as if it won't stare you in the face for the rest of your life and hasn't changed you forever. That's what it's all about.
You put your resentment in. You take your resentment out on the person standing next to you. You put your resentment in and with your hands free you shake the person standing next to you all about. You make them do the hokey pokey, moving their arms like you are a puppet master, saying, "I am the puppet master!" You turn yourself around and it feels really, really good—better than you ever imagined. That's what it's all about.
You put your dreams of greatness in. You put your dreams of greatness out. You put your dreams of greatness in and everyone starts shaking you down saying, "Can I get a loan since you're going to be so rich?" You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, knowing one day you will do this all alone, because that is what happens when you are super successful from doing something no one else understood early on. That's what it's all about.
You put your hope in. You put your hope out. You put your hope in, and it starts shaking and shivering on the cold tile floor of the rec center. You are about to pick it up and put it away deep, deep in your soul where no one can hurt it. Then you see that everyone else has put their hope in too. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, pretty sure no one will take your hope while your back is turned since they all have their own. That's what it's all about.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Emotional Hokey Pokey By Kate Hahn
Famous Authors Narrate the Funny Pages By Mark Paglia
The Modern Obesessive-Compulsive Hypochondrical Gentleman's Guide to Style By Zachary Martin
Death of a Specialist By Jeff Albers
The Newsletter of the Cryptodrome By Jonathan Baude and J. Alex Boyd
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