STANDARDS FOR
GRADING THE LIFE
OF AN ADJUNCT
COMPOSITION
PROFESSOR.
- - - -
I. SELF
The EXCELLENT adjunct...
• takes care of all the elements in her personal hierarchy of needs
• knows she is awesome and approaches all situations with equal parts pride and humility
• understands that no matter what happens, she is a person who is trying to live the most moral life she knows how
• is in control and understands that she is a vibrant, talented, empathetic part of her community
The AVERAGE adjunct...
• has about as many good days as bad days
• is able to regulate her emotions and behavior most of the time
• is pretty sure there is a purpose to her life and the world
• more often than not relies on outside sources to feel happy and well-adjusted (friends, career, student behavior, stimulating texts, alcohol, and drugs)
The FAILING adjunct...
• has no sense of self worth
• spends most of her free time watching Twilight over and over again
• may have committed genocide
• has an attitude that in general kind of sucks
II. RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
The EXCELLENT adjunct...
• is appreciated and loved by others
• is fulfilled emotionally, sexually, and intellectually by others
• always has something fun to do on the weekends and sometimes even on weekdays
• recognizes how much she contributes to the people and the world around her
The AVERAGE adjunct...
• is appreciated from time to time by others
• has a few friends who occasionally let her know how much she is loved and appreciated, typically when they are drunk or on Ecstasy
• goes out and has a good time with people at least a couple times a month
• recognizes that when she doesn't sleep in past ten most mornings she can usually get one or two things done, which in the grand scheme of things sort of makes the world a better place
The FAILING adjunct...
• is unappreciated
• is only loved by her family because they have to
• wears a bathrobe all day and eats nothing but frozen pot pies
• is unknown by most people, and the prevailing wisdom is that if people did know her they probably wouldn't like her
III. GRAMMAR AND MECHANICS
The EXCELLENT adjunct...
• correctly introduces, reproduces, and documents all quotes, summaries and paraphrases according to MLA style
• delivers work that is free of mechanical and grammatical errors
The AVERAGE adjunct...
• occasionally introduces, reproduces, and documents all quotes, summaries and paraphrases according to MLA style
• is pretty sure she knows how to use a semicolon
The FAILING adjunct...
• is herself plagiarized
• has so many errors that her life is incomprehensible
IV. CAREER
The EXCELLENT adjunct...
• is no longer an adjunct and loves her new job
• has an impressive CV and makes way more money than she needs
• volunteers in her spare time, helping people and small animals (mainly kittens) in need
• has placed a book with a major publishing house, is readying proposals for four others, and has twice been a guest on Fresh Air
The AVERAGE adjunct...
• has a job that is occasionally satisfying, particularly on days when the cafeteria has a baked potato bar
• is paid regularly, if not fairly, and is developing a CV
• writes and submits her work to literary journals
• is "working" on a couple of "projects"
The FAILING adjunct...
• was laid off due to low enrollment and/or fired for touching a student, and is now working part time in a meat packing plant
• cannot think of a job she wants
• does not write, unless you count Twilight fan fiction
• wait, what's a CV?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Standards for Grading the Life of an Adjunct Composition Professor By Amy L. Clark
The Police Blotter Shakespeare By Burke Hilsabeck
The Emotional Hokey Pokey By Kate Hahn
Famous Authors Narrate the Funny Pages By Mark Paglia
The Modern Obesessive-Compulsive Hypochondrical Gentleman's Guide to Style By Zachary Martin
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