FURIOUS COUSINS'
WORLD FAMOUS
HOLIDAY PUNCH.
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Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch contains absolutely no toenail clippings, as well as sugar, rum, grain alcohol, chunked pineapple, maple syrup, light beer, salt, and chicory.
The product of five generations of cirrhotics, Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch is 80% likely to make Aunt Jeannie more bearable, especially if she's had more than two medium-sized glasses and sex recently.
Galvanized-trashcan aged for maximum tang, Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch is the only Holiday Punch that has a money-back no-toenail-clipping guarantee right on the label. No toenails. Ever. Right on the label. Guaranteed.
The Furious Cousins know it's time to start brewing their World Famous Holiday Punch the minute that Christmas tree vendors show up in the vacant lot where the Cousins usually furiously dump their trash. That night they furiously pee on all the trees. The next day the brewing begins with utmost care!
Between games of stab, the Furious Cousins take turns shoveling the most fungus-resistant ingredients into twice-rinsed contractor bags. Body-warmed between drunk nieces and nephews, the yellowish mash that oozes from these bags is the guts of Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch.
Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch is all guts and no toenails. None.
Blind-taste tested moments before intercourse by Aunt Jeannie's sex pal Terry, Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch will almost certainly not make you lose your vision, especially if you have intercourse right after drinking it.
Worried about toenail clippings? Don't be.
The Furious Cousins have used the same family recipe to brew their World Famous Holiday Punch for generations. It's a tradition that you and your family can grow old with prematurely, while discussing sexually transmitted fungus without fear of toenails.
Happy sipping!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch By Graham T. Beck
A Pragmatic Romantic Says Farewell to His Lover By Spencer Ham
Patronizing the Arts By Josh Silverstein
The Allegory of the Beer Cave By Craig Klein
I Am Locking the Wikipedia Article On Our Sex Life By Alan Trotter
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