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EXCERPTS FROM MY MOTHER'S EDITORIAL NOTES ON MY LETTERS TO SANTA, 1987-2000.BY JEN STATSKY- - - - 1987 Jen, I think there's some good stuff here. It's too bad that it's buried under a pile of holiday clichés and trite generalizations. You've been a "good girl?" What is the reader supposed to gather from that? Is that the author's subjective opinion about her behavior over the past twelve months, or rather a more objective assessment based on society's standards of what qualifies as a "good girl?" A little clarification would go a long way and most likely garner better results for what the author is trying to get, which, at the most superficial of levels, is apparently a Teddy Ruxpin doll. With love, PS. All your "J's" are backwards. - - - - 1989 Jen, This letter is meandering, lacking in structure, and just an overall mess of what should be a very personal, intimate correspondence with Santa Claus. One gets the sense that the author was high on pixie sticks while writing it, and upon review of the mess that was discovered underneath your bedroom this morning, I gather that this was exactly the case. You begin the letter with what is perhaps a pure intention of inquiring about the reader and turning the focus onto him. I am all for work that breaks the audience's suspension of disbelief and forces them to become a participant in the art itself. However, asking questions such as, "if it's really cold up there?" and "where do all the reindeer sleep?" are completely offensive and demeaning to the reader's intelligence and show an utter lack of real concern for who your audience is. Sure, if this was the first Christmas in the history of the world, then those are perfectly valid, wonderful questions to present, ones that surely need to be ask. But, as timeless readings of The Night Before Christmas, have surely informed you, those questions are old, outdated, and a literal waste of ink and paper, not to mention cookies. And while we're on the topic of baked goods, I was also disappointed with your choice of Lorne Doones in lieu of the traditional homemade chocolate chip. Though, in retrospect, I suppose the leaving of a bland, tasteless, out-dated cookie was the perfect fit for this letter. Merry Christmas, honey! With regards, - - - - 1990 Jen, I am so glad you decided to resume writing again this year. Very much so welcomed, especially after last year's lock-yourself-in-the-closest-with-all-the-egg-nog fiasco. While this letter is far from perfect, it is certainly an improvement from past work. I get a real sense that you are coming into your own, and learning the difference between nouns and verbs. That's a big step forward for you. I also sense an inclination to a more subversive tone and overall direction. Your hesitance even to believe in the validity of your audience is right on-point. Let's take this premise and expand it further in your coming work, yes? Oh, one last thing: The forgetting of the milk: intentional or not? If intentional, I think it's a great utilization of withholding something from your audience to achieve a desired effect. If unintentional, it's probably because I asked you to get milk on your way home from Laura's the other day and as per usual, you used the money to buy Fanta. Also, why even make mention of your cousin Zach? He's Jewish. Love, - - - - 1993 Jen, Love the Rudolph stickers, though. Great use of empty space there. Love, - - - - 1996 Jen, That being said, it was brilliant. A tour-de-force of Christmas wishes. Love, - - - - 2000 Jen, Best, P.S. Mark Twin wrote that. Yup, both of those sentences.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Excerpts From My Mother's Editorial Notes On My Letters To Santa, 1987-2000 By Jen StatskyCurrier & Ives Prints Updated for Winter 2009 By Kate Hahn An Excerpt from Tamler Sommers's A Very Bad Wizard By Tamler Sommers Letters to Santa Written By Shakespeare Characters By Caroline Bicks and Michelle Ephraim Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch By Graham T. Beck |
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