PERSONNEL POLICIES
FOR OUR HOUSEHOLD.
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General Purpose
The purpose of the Personnel Policies is to provide each member of this household with a written statement of the rules that govern the staff of this house. (Note: These rules do not apply to Baa-Baa, the dog, or to Little Kitty, the cat. Their policies can be found in the document "Animal Policies for Our Household.") The following rules are imposed in order to promote efficiency in the administrative procedures of this household, to maintain high standards of fairness, and to make sure that certain 4-year-olds know who the boss is.
Authority and Roles
The Parents are responsible for the implementation of these policies, and are to be regarded as the bosses in all situations. Even though some 4-year-olds in the home claim to be "the boss" and to "know everything," the Parents' judgment in all matters is considered final. This includes the matter of imaginary friends such as Harper, the "alien" who supposedly lives in the toilet. As much as particular 4-year-olds wish to impart authority on said alien (e.g., "Harper told me to hide the car keys," "Harper put all the spoons in the garbage disposal," "Harper said I could paint the skunk stripe on Baa-Baa"), all authority rests with the Parents.
Regular Discipline
A. The following are grounds for Regular Discipline: not adhering to scheduled bedtime; not doing what is being asked of you by the Parents; not responding to questions when asked (including pretending to suddenly have gone deaf because "Harper is trapped in your ear"); and not eating what is served at meals. (Note: All meals are provided to personnel of the organization. And for 4-year-olds in the home, these meals are offered at no cost and without any labor or chores. This is a special service provided to said children.)
B. The Parents will verbally warn anyone regarding an action that could become grounds for Regular Discipline. This will usually come in the form of "I will count to 10" or "I won't tell you again: the TV remote is not Harper's submarine—get it out of the bathtub."
C. Discipline will be applied by the Parents if the verbal warning is ignored.
D. Discipline will involve one of the following: time-out in one's bedroom; revocation of television privileges for a period whose length will be determined by three factors: severity of misconduct, time of day, and exhaustion level of the Parents; and, in certain cases (to be determined by the Parents), being baby-sat by our neighbor Mrs. Billingsly, who will come over and subject the identified personnel to endless stories about her dead husband Merl and to hours of instruction on darning socks and reattaching shirt buttons, and who will bring that "weird smell" that reminds some 4-year-olds of a "sopping-wet old dog."
Emergency Discipline
A. In extreme cases, when all other disciplinary actions have failed, the Parents will initiate the Emergency Discipline Procedure. The Parents are usually caring, responsible, and benign administrators, but there are times when even the bosses need to say enough is enough. The Parents only wish that certain 4-year-olds could be transported into the future and live with their own 4-year-olds and see how it feels.
B. The Emergency Discipline Procedure involves the imaginary kidnapping, detention, and possible torture of Harper, the invisible alien.
Grievance and Appeal Procedures
A. There are none.
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Russell Bradbury-Carlin's new collection of funny stories, A Brief Conversation With My Hair, is available at Amazon.com.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Personnel Policies for Our Household By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Excerpts From the Collected Answering-Machine Messages of Lyricist Tim Rice By Julie Klausner and Rachel Shukert
What Parents Must Assume I'm Saying to My Youth Soccer Team By Ben Joseph
The 4-Year-Old Crash-Lands in the Andes By Ross Murray
Excerpts From the Most Popular Selections in the Superhero Library By G. Xavier Robillard
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